TOP 5: Unhot on-screen couples

Yes we know "unhot" is not really a word. But since when do we care? We make our own rules.

James and Yumi watch the latest instalment if Pirates of the Caribbean with the smokin' hot Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz.

But it's no fun talking about hot couples is it?!

TOP 5: Ways To Dispose A Body

After watching Snowtown together, James & Yumi discuss the Top 5 ways to dispose a body

THE HANGOVER PART 2

SAME SAME BUT DIFFERENT

Review by: Jade

The title says it all. The Hangover Part 2 is essentially the same story and same premise as the original. So what's different? Well I can't tell you because that would spoil it.

What I can tell you about this film is this...

- I laughed out loud 5 times but I laughed on the inside maybe 10 times

- It's all about Alan. I didn't laugh for the first 10 minutes of the film until Alan appeared – just the sight of him makes you want to roll around on the floor. Especially with his awesome yellow Labrador t-shirt and his pronunciation of Thailand

- A smoking monkey will always win hearts 

- Mr. Chow is back but his Engrish accent just isn't up to scratch

- Bradley Cooper is sexy but you can’t help wondering if maybe he’s gay

- I have a friend who looks uncannily similar to Alan and it kept scaring me

- Mike Tyson sings in the film. This was one of my 5 laugh-out-loud moments 

- As far as sequels go, it’s pretty good

The other day I came home to hear my flatmate Mel screaming uproariously and rolling around on the couch watching the original Hangover. She almost fell off she was laughing so hard. And since James stood me up, I took Mel along to see The Hangover Part 2.

Set in Thailand, it would be a crime if the film weren’t riddled with Asian gags, clichés and stereotypes. 

James and I have actually been to Bangkok together with our own Wolfpack and had our own version of the Hangover. But we were not getting married. And Mike Tyson was not there. But we did go to a strip joint. And we did see two ladies "performing" to My Heart Will Go On. I spent more money at the strip joints than I did at the shops (which says something considering I brought home 2 extra suitcases). The girls obviously thought I was one of them and would always ask me for money - not James or any of the other 4 men I was traveling with. No, they thought I would understand and be sympathetic. Which brings me to my next point - I was with 5 white men - making me look like the best whore in town. 

We also met some Australasian med students who tried to push their drugs on me (in fact they were drugs that help us Asian's break down alcohol because apparently 50% of us don't have the enzyme that does break it down).

This is the only photo I took on the entire trip. 

We went superclubbing where a band was playing in the ladies bathroom. We went to a fight in a bar. One of our friends met the love of his life. And on the plane home, we watched My Friend Flicker, which brought James to tears.

TOP 5 MOVIES I WATCHED ON A PLANE THAT MADE ME CRY

1. Morning Glory

2. Marley & Me

3. The Back Up Plan

4. Valentines Day

5. The Ugly Truth

I’m not sure what it is about rom coms that makes me

a) want to watch them on planes and

b) cry (and I’m talking genuine, real sobbing kinda stuff where I have to blow my nose on the cheap blanket they give you)

Anyway this really has nothing to do with The Hangover Part 2. Except to highlight that maybe our trip to Bangkok was just as fun as the real Wolfpacks. Only we came home with all our fingers and none of us got buttfucked (although I can't really vouch for all the guys).

And maybe the other reason I told you about mine and James' trip was because I really don't have much to say about this film without giving the good stuff away - because let's face it, if you've seen the original you already know the storyline. Anything worth mentioning will ruin it for you.

The Hangover Part 2 is fun, ridiculous and it will make you laugh. Mel laughed. But she didn’t fall out of her seat. Me I'm bias - I still think Chin or the Ranch is funnier.


Oh and here's some background for those who do not know what P.F.Changs is... It's a Chinese restaurant chain in the US that specialises in Western-made shit Chinese food.

STARS: 3 stars

SUMMARY: Two nights in Bangkok 

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: Fans of the original Hangover. Racists.

RELEASE DATE: Out Now

WOULD YOU RATHER a chin or a ranch?

James tells Yumi about George Lucas' latest plans for Star Wars and also poses an interesting question...

SNOWTOWN

PACK THE CAR KIDS, WE’RE MOVING TO SNOWTOWN

Review by: Yumi

One of my favourite music videos from last year was for the song 'Bell' by The Mess Hall.  It's such an avalanche of juxtaposition for an Aussie band and yet it works.

Watch it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evaQHIcGkkM

It was directed by Justin Kurzel, brother of the band's lead singer, Jed Kurzel. Clearly Justin, who trained at VCA in Melbourne, is a man interested in doing things his own way.  They kind of look like each other - both handsome, Jed in a scraggy way, Justin in a woolly way.

I was excited to hear he was directing a feature (his first) on the Snowtown murders, better known as the 'Bodies in Barrels' case. Snowtown became shorthand in this country for the notorious discovery of eleven human bodies, most of them stored in large plastic barrels in a disused bank vault and at various stages of decomposition.  A couple of the bodies were also buried in a suburban Adelaide backyard and eventually four men were arrested and charged with the murders.  The story made national headlines in 1999.

Some warnings need to be issued about this film:

1.  It has a slow start.  I don't have much of a memory of the Bodies in Barrels case and there were a lot of fragments and snippets that really were mystifying. Kurzel expects the audience to be both patient and smart.

2.  There's no Hollywood payoff and at no point does an Air Supply song start playing while the cast walk to camera in slow motion.

3.   Kangaroos.  KANGAROOS!

4.  It's really rough in patches.

5.  And by rough, I mean, ROUGH GOING.  I left the cinema to pee and my buddy thought I was spewing my guts up

This movie comes out May 19th and I really want everyone I know to go see it so we can form a therapy group and sit around and talk about the film at length at our weekly post-traumatic stress meetings.  One of these sessions is going to centre around the key "Holy shit" moments in the film.  I think there are three.  Maybe four.  One of those "Holy shit" moments involves kangaroos.  If I told you what the others were about, it might wreck the moment when you watch the film or the anticipation might actually cause you to have a heart attack.

Five Other Great "Holy Shit" Moments in Aussie Cinema:

1. Animal Kingdom (2010, David Michod) - when Joel Edgerton gets shot in the stomach while sitting in a parked car, unarmed, by a cop!  You can't shoot HIM!  It's only a third of the way through the movie! And he's handsome!  Holy shit!

2.  Bad Boy Bubby (1993, Rolf de Heer) - Bubby is a 35-year-old boy-man whose never been let out of his home by his controlling mother.  His mother is gross.  She abuses him, belittles him, infantilises him... then has sex with him.  Holy shit!

3.  Mad Max (1979, George Miller) - when that guy's hand gets ripped off his arm!  And is still hanging on to the chain!  Holy shit!

4.  The Square (2008, Nash Edgerton) - the last scene before the movie finishes.  If I describe it, it'll wreck the movie if you haven't seen it.  Needless to say, things don't end well for the main guy who walks away from camera, as stupefied as we are, silently saying "Holy shit".

5.  Chopper (2000, Andrew Dominik) - when Chopper gets stabbed, and he keeps sayin’, "Aw mate, why'd you go and do that for?"  Man that is some funny shit!

Anyway, the entirety of Snowtown, including the “Holy Shit” moments, comes highly recommended by me, but it's gross, and ugly, and frightening and truly one of the unforgettable films of your lifetime.  The soundtrack is by Jed Kurzel and interestingly all the actors are regular folk who came from the low-income areas in South Australia where the action is set.  

The director came in to my day job work for an interview and talked about casting the film.  He hung out in parks and shopping malls, looking for people who had the right look.  And at no point in this amazing film do any of the inexperienced actors hit a bum note.  There's nothing showy, nothing embarrassing.  Just blinding human brutality.

STARS: 4.5 stars!

SUMMARY:  The Snowtown Murders as a chilling art film

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: The strong of stomach, fans of true crime, horror fans, and arthouse movie fans with strong constitutions.  Bogans might like seeing themselves too.  A bit.

RELEASE DATE: 19 May 2011

SOURCE CODE

STATE RAIL AND PEAK HANDSOME

Review by: James

I reckon you can watch the trailer for any movie and within 30 seconds decide two things:

1) This movie is going to be unreal/terrible and 

2) I am going to love/hate this movie.

And normally if a film is terrible you are going to hate it, and vice versa. Strangely though, this is not always the case.

Recent Example: Battle: Los Angeles.

Upon seeing the trailer, I knew immediately that is was going to be a terrible film. I also knew immediately that I would love it. And yep, nailed it. Correct on  both fronts. (Yumi would argue that I’m being ridiculous and there is no way you could like this film. She would be wrong.)

But just when you think you have honed your YouTube trailer watching snap judgement skills to a ninja-like precision, a film comes along and fucks it all up. Before seeing Source Code, I watched the trailer and had the immediately certain reaction “that looks woeful and I will not enjoy it”. I’d decided it was like a sci-fi version of last years  very average Unstoppable. I was wrong on all counts.  Nice one brain.

Source Code begins when Jake Gyllenhaal, wakes up on a train. He knows not where he is, who he is or what is happening. There is an attractive woman in front of him.  This has never happened to me. The last time I woke up on a train not knowing who I was or what was happening, I was trying to get home drunk from Homebush Bay. There was someone else’s blood on my shirt and stale Doritos in my hair. There was no attractive woman. It was a horrible night. If only I could have woken up as Jake Gyllenhaal.

For the first part of Source Code, this scenario plays itself out over and over again.  Jake and I are both thinking “What the fuck is going on here?” but together we start to make sense of it all. Sort of.  Turns out Jake is a soldier being used in a revolutionary physics distorting experiment where he can go right inside someone else’s body (not like that.) There’s a bomb on the train you see, he’s got to find who planted it, and save the girl. Or does he? By the way, you’ve  only got 8 minutes.

Michelle Monaghan, who is like a hot version of Katie Holmes is the bewildered but patient girl on the train. Vera Farmiga , my second favourite Ukranian-American actress (behind Mila Kunis) is Jake’s military contact to the outside world.  I like the cut of her jib.

Have you noticed that Jake Gyllenhaal gets more handsome every year? He is currently 30, and at this rate I imagine at about 38, he will enter an illustrious zone called “Peak Handsomeness”. This is the small but fantastic 18 month period where you are as hot as you are ever going to look. The tricky part is that you only know you were there after it ends. After that point it is a very slow but deliberate slide in the other direction. It is truly a glorious, golden time for any actor/model/hornbag. And although many movie stars stay attractive well into their late 40’s and beyond, that high watermark of hotness, the summit of your aesthetic Mt Everest is a wondrous, fleeting time. Some examples of Peak Handsomeness in film are:

- Although outrageously ripped in Fight Club, Brad Pitt’s peak handsomeness actually occurred during Oceans Eleven. He was 37.

- You want to say Out of Sight for Clooney, but it actually didn’t happen till he was 44 in Goodnight and Goodluck.

- Depp is a tricky one, as there seems no end to his exquisiteness trajectory. But he was never more arse-clenchingly (not really a word) gorgeous than at 36 in Chocolat

- Steve Buscemi has either not yet reached peak handsomeness or it happened very, very young.

As for Source Code… Director Duncan Jones (who was behind 2009’s truly excellent Moon) makes sure its tense, never dull and that it falls into one of my all time favourite film categories: Movies under 100 minutes long (more on that in coming weeks).

Probably the best time travel body displacement action adventure film of the year. So far.

STARS: Not quite 4 but more than 3 stars sounds like too many. 3.75 stars.

SUMMARY: I didn’t know what was happening either.

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: Fans of Groundhog Day. People who like trains.

RELEASE DATE: In cinemas now  

PAUL

Finally…

Review by: James

Alien films fall into two categories. They end up being either the greatest films EVER made e.g. Predator, Alien/s, Starship Troopers, Close Encounters, ET, My Stepmother is an Alien OR they fall into the basket of films so bad, you would happily fetch the vaseline for your own anal probe rather than have to sit through them: Signs, The Chronicles of Riddick, Skyline, Meet Dave, Alien Vs Predator and Species I,II,III and IV (Can you believe they made 4 of those fucking things? But not a single sequel to Top Gun? Jesus. Priorities guys!)

PAUL, cinemas latest extra terrestrial offering, somehow dodges both camps and finds its way squarely in the no mans land that is mediocrity. Not bad, not great, sort of funny but not actually.

After the success of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, Simon Pegg did some fairly questionable Hollywood films (What's the one where he is fat and has to run a lot? It was like an ep of The Biggest Loser) but here he reunites with buddy Nick Frost for a back to basics Brit-fish out of water bromance. They play sci-fi loving, comic reading nerds, on a roadtrip across America. As part of their ET fascination, they visit famous UFO crash sites where people claim to have contact with aliens, when, NO WAY!! they actually meet one on their travels. What are the odds? Enter computer generated comedy Alien (with the voice of Seth Rogen) Paul, who needs their help. He is on the run from the Government operatives who want to smash him open like a crab.

YUM!! You know it Harry!!

Secret government agents, explosions, car chases across the dessert... It rolls along like some distorted version of cannonball run.  But Burt Reynolds is Simon Pegg and Farrah Fawcett is an alien. Actually, that’s a terrible example. Do kids even know what the fuck Cannonball Run is?  That movie came out over 30 years ago, and they legally let people into nightclubs who were born in 1992. How is that even possible?  Fully grown humans that were born in 1992!! That’s just stupid. So on second thoughts, Cannonball Run is not such a great example. It’s too ancient. Plus to be honest, this movie bears very little resemblance to Cannonball Run. Except that Farrah Fawcett IS an alien.

The whole thing is sort of pleasant without being memorable. They best bits are the self referential geek jokes, the gay nerd subtext and a cameo from Sigourney Weaver, who at 62 still looks hotter than a $10 stereo. I wonder what it is with all these actresses who manage to stay totally sexy despite being as old as everyone I knows mum.  Impressive, but strangely freakish at the same time. Oh dear Yumi, My word count is crying out for a TOP 5...Can't. Hold out. Any.Longer....

TOP 5 Most Chronically Bangable Actresses Over 60

1. Goldie Hawn. She's still pretty smoking. Or is it her daughter that’s really hot? I'm pretty sure I can't tell the difference.

2. Kim Bassinger. You'd totally have a go and then tell everybody.

3. Hellen Mirren. You would, but probably wouldn't tell everybody.

4. Sigourney Weaver. Have you SEEN the deltoids on her? 

5. Dame Judy Dench. Nuff said.

Look, to be honest, its a bit of fun, I just felt a bit let down at the end. Like when you try to jerk off in bed when you're really drunk. In the end I think my biggest problem is that it’s honestly pretty hard to watch the CGI alien do these jokes and not visualise Seth Rogen. Just like it’s pretty hard to watch a new Seth Rogen film and not visualise the chubby Seth Rogen, who I totally prefer. Is it wrong for me to like Seth Rogen more when he was fat? When he was tubby he reminded me of the guy who used to work in the computer section of Harvey Norman at the Moore Park Super centre. Helpful, smiley, dorky, and just a hint of possible sex pest. And who doesn't like a guy like that?

Stars: 3

Summary: Pottymouth ET with an RV OR  Seth Rogen needs more pies 

Who should see it: Guys who work behind the counter at an EB games store.

MARS NEEDS MOMS

LET THE KIDS CHOOSE

Review by: Yumi

Being the mother of two small children I see nearly every kids' movie, sometimes more than once.  My kids are easily pleased.  They like horrible crap.  They liked 'The Spy Next Door,' which was an embarrassing Jackie Chan thing about a single Mum moving into a house next to Jackie Chan, who's, like, a spy and stuff?  In the end the single Mom and Jackie Chan kind of hook up which is sick-making because Jackie Chan doesn't do his own stunts any more and in spite of his millions, can't afford decent hair dye.  

Although they could tell it irritated me, my daughters also quite enjoyed the heap of dogballs that was 'Gnomeo and Juliet'.  It used Shakespeare as a departure point to sail directly into the compost.

The other worst kids' movie of 2011 was 'Hop' (out, damn hop!) (which may be further evidence that Russell Brand's star is on the wane).  He voices a c***sucking little rabbit with a personality bypass who hopefully will get myxomatosis in the sequel.  F***er.  Why does he eventually have to face his responsibilties and/or take ownership of his lifelong dream to be a drummer?  F*** off!  If I was in my car and the 'Hop' rabbit was in the middle of the road, I would totally turn the wheel in the hope of flattening that little cute rabbit into road jerky.   The rabbit is a douchebag.  He can take those drumsticks and ram them up his little hairy f***hole.

We can talk about why those movies blow at length some other time but it can actually be quickly summed up with a Top 5.

Top 5 Reasons Why Kids' Movies That Blow, Blow.

1.  There's a female lead character who is a bit of a suck-up, no sense of humour and way too much hair

2.  Mike Myers is somehow involved

3.  No one dies and there are no zombies

4.  There's a male lead character who's essentially a bore, but also misunderstood by his peers, usually his dad, but he'll figure it all out after overcoming some entirely forseeable and avoidable obstacles that will involve some chasing and some poop gags

5.  The merchandising figurines were designed before the script was written

The shittest kids' movie of all time is 'Racing Stripes' which has a preposterous plot that actually makes me suicidal to think about, about - (prepare the noose) a zebra that thinks it is a horse.  'Racing Stripes' is the benchmark by which my daughters and I measure all other shit kid films.  Remember how Paris Hilton went around tracking down and destroying all DVD copies of her sextape 'One Night in Paris'?  Someone should do the same to 'Racing Stripes'.

Okay, so let's go to the film that I took my kids, Thing 1 and Thing 2, to the other day that I didn't hate.  In fact, I quite liked 'Mars Needs Moms', and at no point during the film did I start tweeting from boredom about pubic hair or etiquette in Japanese restaurants.  (Chopsticks are not pointers and 'seventies bush is back.)

In spite of its inauspicious title, it's good.  You can tell from the opening scenes when a lisping and familiar female voice lends itself to an exhausted and - oh my God - unsexy Mom.  The voice belongs to Joan Cusack who gives her role all the daggy-T-shirt softness and lack of grooming that real motherhood contains.  I don't mind if mothers are always shown as sexy, that's cool...just not very true to life.

Top 5 Smokin' Hot Moms in Kid Movies

1.  Renee Russo in Spy Kids.  Hello? WAY sexy!

2.  Mrs Incredible in The Incredibles.  She has J-Lo's ass and kicks some ass.

3.  Susan Sarandon as James Marsden's evil Mom in Enchanted.  She's hot, he's hot.  Pass me some marshmallows.

4.  Kathleen Turner in Serial Mom.  Okay so it's not a kid's movie but she's total sex in those white knickers in the courtroom scene and how awesome is it when she starts killing all those annoying people?

5.  Helena Bonham Carter as Mrs Bucket in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  Poverty wouldn't be so bad if you could snuggle her every night!

'Mars Needs Moms' is a film that really understands the unending sacrifice that most mothers go through; the stoicism of their love.  If you can stand producer Robert Zemeckis' (A Christmas Carol, 2009) grim and zany vision, and the perfect oddness (or the odd perfectness) of stunted actor Seth Green playing a small boy in a motion-captured performance, the pay-off is worth it.  I cried.  My kids loved it.  But they do love some stinky crap.

STARS: 3 stars

SUMMARY: Martians have evolved so far that they've lost touch with their natural maternal instincts, so they need to kidnap great Moms from Earth in order to clone their nurturing Mommy DNA!

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: Families and animation nerds