MONTE CARLO

OMG GF!

Review by: Jade

I really didn't want to see or review Monte Carlo, the new teen rom com starring Selena "Mrs Bieber" Gomez and Leighton "Gossip Girl" Meister.

TOP 5 REASONS I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE MONTE CARLO

1. I'm old and don't do text abbreviations 

2. It was raining

3. I've seen the trailer, I already know what happens

4. The screenings are always so early

5. I'm busy man!

But I went. And because I had to go, that meant my boyfriend had to go too. James got off easy this time!

After graduating from university Grace (Selena Gomez) embarks on a European holiday with her best friend Emma (Katie Cassidy) and her uptight step sister Meg (Leighton Meister). While in Paris, Grace is mistaken for a British heiress and then hey presto, the three girls suddenly find themselves in Monte Carlo. Let the film begin...

One of the first things that caught my eye were the opening credits. I thought I was seeing things and had to immediately consult imdb as soon as I got home. It turns out Nicole Kidman's production company Blossom Films is responsible for producing this film and Nic is a producer. Which made me wonder "what was it about this script that attracted Nicole?". 

It's not that this film is bad. It's not. It's easy to watch and it's good, innocent fun. So innocent, you have to wonder if there is a Christian agenda hiding somewhere. Or a Disney one. Same, same but different. 

But this is what partly bothered me. Despite starring two Gossip Girls, this film ain't no Gossip Girl. 

Three young women in Europe not drinking, not shopping, not doing drugs, not partying and not slutting around (these girls need to try Schoolies)?! The most exciting thing they do is steal the identity of an heiress - and while this may sound rebellious and adventurous - it couldn't be further from that. 

Prior to departing for Europe, Emma breaks up with her boyfriend because he can't handle her going away for ONE WEEK. Poor Owen (Glee's Cory Monteith) truly believes if Emma goes to Europe, she will leave him forever. Buddy?! It's one week! My boyfriend has made a point of telling me it takes him at least a week to even start missing me! 

And really, who is buying that Katie Cassidy is a teenager anyway?! She looked too old on Gossip Girl. She looks too old in this movie. Yes I know she's only 25 which isn't really old. Did you know David Cassidy from The Partridge Family is her father?! I'm sorry but this is really spinning me out. 

Australian actor Luke Bracey plays Riley, Meg's love interest. And to be honest I'm surprised Nicole didn't pipe up at script stage when it comes to Riley's character. Seriously, this guy was about as cliched as Crocodile Dundee! One of his lines about being injured while playing rugby is absolutely hilarious. Real sorta laugh out loud kind of stuff. I don't think I have laughed so hard since watching this:

Who is Luke Bracey? I don't know. He was on Home & Away.

Andie MacDowell plays Grace's mother. And when you see the huge faded L'Oreal sign on the girls apartment block in Paris, you know this is definitely an integrated sponsor moment. Why? Because you're worth it. Because Yumi and I recently covered L'Oreal Melbourne Fashion Week, where we interviewed L'Oreal ambassador, Andie MacDowell (who, by the way, is still so stunning). 

And I also feel it's important to note for a film set in Paris & Monte Carlo with a cast hot young women, there is a serious lack of fashion and shopping! MAJOR FAIL. 

But on the upside...

I got to catch up with the gorgeous Kylie Speer and have a laugh about rugby. 

Selena Gomez is so loveable. She is gorgeous. 

The story is predictable but I didn't really care. 

It moves fast, has a cute soundtrack and is just good, clean, fun. 

And I walked out smiling. And still with a BF.

STARS: 3 stars

SYNOPSIS: Three young women holidaying in Paris are offered a trip to Monte Carlo after one is mistaken for a British heiress 

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: Tween girls. Disney fans. Babysitters. 

RELEASE: In cinemas now

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Friends With No Strings 

Review by: Jade

When I got the screening invite to Friends with Benefits – the new romantic comedy starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis – I called James to see if he was going to do this review.

Jade: Are you going to the screening of Friends with Benefits?

James: I’ve already seen it. I watched it on the plane.

Jade: What did you think? Was it good?

James: I could only watch the first 20 minutes. Then I turned it off.

Jade: I’m really surprised it’s on planes already? It’s not released in cinemas for another month and a half.

It turns out James was talking about No Strings Attached – another romantic comedy starring Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.

So off I went to the screening with my buddy Mel in tow. Why? Because she had seen No Strings Attached and I needed a cheat sheet to see how similar Friends with Benefits was to No Strings Attached. Some people have commented it is the same film. And if I’m really honest, I just wanted to evaluate how vague James is (I know, I know. Mila and Natalie were both in Black Swan. Mila and Ashton were both in That 70’s Show. It’s not hard to get it all confused). 

Friends with Benefits is the story of… well friends with benefits. Sexual benefits. Jamie (Mila Kunis) is a corporate head-hunter who recruits Dylan (Justin Timberlake) to New York to take a job at GQ magazine. Of course Dylan knows no one in New York. So of course Dylan and Jamie become friends. And of course they take a stab at that whole mythical idea of being friends who have sex without commitment or complication. Sound like another Hollywood rom-com? Kinda.

The opening scene stars brief appearances from Andy Samberg and Emma Stone who play Jamie and Dylan’s ex-partners respectively. So the first 5 minutes of the film set my expectations high. I LOVE this cast!

MILA – Hot! And her Awards season wardrobe was KILLER this year. And she dated Macauly Culkin.

JT – He dated Britney, ditched a great music career to star in Facebook and then bought into myspace? Random!

ANDY – THE LONELY ISLAND!!!

EMMA – What hot blonde goes back to being a ranga? That’s pretty cool. And she’s just such a spunk.

I have to admit I was fairly distracted throughout the film and can’t really remember a lot about it (note to self: write review after seeing the film, not 4 weeks later).

TOP 5 DISTRACTIONS DURING FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

1. Richard Wilkins had his shoes off and his feet on the seat – which just so happened to be near my head. It was thoroughly disgusting. I think I may have spewed in my own mouth.
2. Jamie & Dylan go to Café Habana which is one of the many restaurants James, Mel and I have occupied in NYC together. OMG the corn there is SO good. SO good. It’s unbeatable. In fact I started thinking about all the corn I’ve tried in Australia recently. The Norfolk (shit), MsG’s (ok), Mama Sita (pretty good) – but none of them stack up to Café Habana by a long shot. I’m hungry now. I can’t wait to meet James for KFC after this. God, am I really going to eat chicken though? I’m vego. But KFC is hardly chicken is it. Ok I think I will have a burger. Or maybe a drumstick. I wish there was frozen coke here.
3. What ever happened to JT’s music career? Man, the I Think She Knows interlude after Lovestoned is so good. 3.28 is the magic number I use to jump to just to hear my favourite part. I should listen to that when I get home. Oh that’s right, I let my ex keep all my CDs and records http://youtu.be/QUuKvHHt8Sk
4. Is Jenna Elfman still a scientologist? And is she still friends with Kate Cebrano? Yumi and I use to talk about joining Scientology. We were mildly obsessed.
5. James. I wonder how similar this film actually is to No Strings Attached. And how James is so NOT my friend with benefits – that’s not entirely true. He helped me move house. And most importantly he was my wingman when I met my fiancé. He flew to Melbourne with me and went to some random festival where we knew no one just so I could tune some guy. Now that’s my idea of a real friend with benefits.

Ok back to the movie. Sorry!

Despite being a fairly traditional rom-com plot, there are elements of the film that set it apart and allow it to be more than just another rom-com. The dialogue starts off witty, funny and smart. They even make stabs at rom-coms and Katherine Heigl. There’s spunk and sass and the characters are confident and brash. It doesn’t seem as clichéd as you would expect from a rom-com.

The casting is exceptional. Patricia Clarkson (who played Emma Stone’s mother in Easy A) plays Jamie’s mother. Jenna Elfman plays Dylan’s sister. And Woody Harrelson plays Tommy, the gay sportswriter at GQ who probably wants to be Dylan’s friend with benefits too. Woody does not disappoint. He’s hilarious and lovable. And pro snowboarder Shaun White shows that some sport stars actually can act (not like Tony Hawk who starred in a film I worked on once – bless him, he can skate like a demon and run a business worth billions, but acting just ain’t his bag). Shaun is surprisingly very good though.

Ultimately this is a couple trying to defy the clichés of a Hollywood romantic comedy. They think they can do a casual sexual relationship with no emotional attachment. And hey, they wouldn’t be the first. But the sad thing is, they do end up being the Hollywood cliché. Which means the film does too. And Jamie, who starts out as an empowered, strong, funny, independent woman suddenly becomes another crazy, needy, psycho. Nooooo Mila, I love you!

At the end of the day, I love a good rom-com… on a plane. And this is one I would happily watch and enjoy while eating my vegetarian meal that makes me bloated and constipated and has no chocolate or cake (vego does not mean I want an apple for dessert!). It’s not amazing. It’s nothing new. But it’s not terrible and it’s easy to watch.

It turns out Mel didn’t think Friends with Benefits was that similar to No Strings Attached. Although the ending may be the same, the plot is slightly different. Mel rated No Strings Attached as the funnier film and reckons Ashton Kutcher is a better actor than JT. But James turned it off 20 minutes in? But he also told me it was Friends With Benefits?

I guess James is somewhat vague.

3 STARS

SYNOPSIS: Friends take a shot at casual sex with no emotional attachment

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: Those flying, rom-com fans, Medynski, those who enjoyed No Strings Attached

RELEASE DATE: In cinemas today

GLEE THE 3D CONCERT MOVIE

Raise Your Glass For This Teenage Dream

Review by: Jade

When we started The Cheap Seats one of the first things I remember Yumi saying was “If I have to review Glee I will shoot myself”. A little piece of me died when she said this.

When I received the invite to the premiere of Glee The 3D Concert Movie I excitedly emailed James – three times. To which he responded with… nothing. I should have taken the hint. But I never do.  

When I called James to see if he would accompany me to the premiere, his response was “Sorry babe, I hate the TV show and premieres”. Another part of me died.

It turns out my 12 year old friend Gracie (who is also an actual real life Glee club member) would be the person who would save my life. She was actually excited to be my date to the premiere. And I was thrilled to take her. The premiere of Glee The 3D Concert Movie was awesome – one of the best premieres I’ve ever been to – despite the fact there were no stars there (except for Gracie).

When we arrived at the cinema there were cheerleaders in the foyer doing routines. Cool! When we walked into the cinema we were handed glowsticks and choctops. Cool! And then when we arrived at our seats, there was popcorn, water and our 3D glasses waiting for us.

Then all of a sudden this guy gets up in the middle of the cinema and starts singing Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”. Then a girl gets up and starts singing. Then they’re at the front of the cinema and when the chorus kicks in, all these dancers mysteriously appear from everywhere. Everyone in the cinema gets up out of their seats and starts dancing like it’s a huge party. I feel like I’m having a “Teenage Dream”. And I am LOVING it. And the movie hasn’t even started yet. TICK one.

The movie is basically a live concert scattered with behind-the-scenes moments with the cast (who are always in character though) and real life Gleek stories. The concert has been touring all over the US and Europe and has sold over 500,000 tickets. And for those of us in territories who have missed out on the tour, we get to see it on the big screen instead.

The concert / film features all the classic hits from the TV show such as “Don’t Stop Believing”, “Teenage Dream”, “Firework”, “Born This Way”, “Slave 4 U” and “Raise Your Glass”. The production of the live concert is top standard - well shot and covered and I found the 3D elements better in this film than in Captain America. 

I’m by no means a full-blown Gleek. I like the show and watch it happily but not religiously. Part of me likes watching it because it pisses my boyfriend and flatmate off. And for some reason I find enjoyment in that.

However the episodes that featured Gwyneth Paltrow made me want to be a Gleek. I have never been a fan of Gwyneth. In fact I’ve ever only liked her in one film – The Royal Tenanbaums. But for me, Glee made Gwyneth cool. Real cool. I loved it when she sang Cee Lo’s “F*** You” (of course sang as the PG “Forget You”). I was suddenly a Gwyneth fan. And weirdly enough, her style really took it up a notch too (how good did she look in that gold Calvin Klein Collection dress!). While everyone was losing their shit at Splendour in the Grass over Kate Moss, I was actually praying to see Gwyneth. But she didn’t come.

She does star in the concert / film though. TICK two.

As mentioned, the film also features some stories of real life Gleeks – there’s the dwarf in the cheerleading squad who is going to prom with a “normal” sized boy, there’s the house hermit with Asperger’s and there’s the gay guy who was outed by his school mates. These are all kids who have been affected by the Glee phenomenon. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a bit teary.

My favourite moment of the film features one of the youngest Gleeks – the Mini Warbler – who out Glees the Glee Cast. TICK three. 

I have to admit that I love Pink’s “Raise Your Glass” – it’s the kind of song I use to dance around to on valium in my bedroom. It has that anthemic teen quality about it. And Glee is great at picking these songs. It gets it so right. They know their audience. And I think they’d do an amazing take on Gotye’s “Somebody That I Use To Know”.   

The Glee cast all get their moment in the spotlight, but I was a little disappointed Diana Agron who plays Quinn and Jenna Ushkowitz who plays Tina weren't featured more. 

The film was loads of fun. And my friend Gracie loved it (she even got a great idea for her school fashion parade). Actually everyone was loving it. Even during the ballads, the entire cinema had their glowsticks in the air. It made me wonder why Yumi & James hate Glee so much, because for me, it just seems like something so up their alley! They actually love singing and dancing. And together they are unstoppable at it. In fact the only reason I am getting married is because they promised to perform their version of Birds of Tokyo’s “Plans” at my wedding – Yumi singing and James dancing.

So basically I came up with the below Top 5 in honour of James & Yumi.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY JAMES & YUMI SHOULD STOP HATING ON GLEE

1. A scrawny white kid in a wheelchair with glasses singing a cover of Jay Z’s “New York” – how is this not cool? His WHITE. SMALL. And in a WHEELCHAIR. Nerds go gangsta. Awesome.
2. Any TV show that showcases music during prime time and rates its arse off is a good thing
3. The character “Britney” is actually hotter, can dance and sing better than the real Britney
4. There’s more than one Asian – there’s two!
5. It makes kids happy! They love the show and the characters. It gives them hope. And it makes Jade happy too. And a happy Jade means less punishment for you.

5 STARS

SYNOPSIS: Glee live in concert

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: Gleeks, Losers, Nerds

RELEASE: In cinemas for 2 weeks only starting Thursday 11 August 

@philjamieson tweeted: dude, glee sucks. You were only stoked cause y'all got free popcorn/choc-top. I do agree they could do a good @gotyethough.


Yes this is partly true Jamo. And they gave us free lollies too. There is something about free stuff that makes me giddy.  


And I can't believe I forgot to mention...


THE CONFETTI CANNONS. 


Yes they had confetti cannons in the theatre. And did you know that approximately 5 million pieces of confetti have been thrown on stage during the performance of "Somebody To Love"?! James, Yumi and I once used confetti cannons when we played at The Falls Festival in our band The Punisherz - we brought in the new year - also complete with 100 blow up Hello Kitty dolls. I digress. But yet another reason why James & Yumi should stop hating on Glee.


I feel like I should mention why Glee The 3D Concert Movie is perhaps better than the TV show so people like Jamo can stop assuming it sucks. In my opinion, the film is different to the TV show. The film is kind of like the best bits of Glee. It's all the great pop song performances and routines without the cliched teen story lines (which I admittedly like... sometimes). However the behind the scenes moments with the cast are very dry, smart and clever - and very different to how they appear in the TV show. The Britney character is especially funny. It's another side of the cast. It's like Glee does The Office. Not all the moments are hilarious, but most of them are.

THE RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

Time to go a little apeshit

Review by: James

I have two thoughts going into this film. The first: "If this movie is just Freida Pinto in a lab coat doing data entry for 90 minutes, I'm ok with that." I understand that is unlikely. But let’s be honest, she is an incredible looking young woman. I have never been to India, but I imagine that as well as a rich cultural fabric and majestic landscape and history, there are also heaps of babes in Saris. That might be totally unrealistic and completely ill informed, but with a population that huge, by my calculations it would require just 1% of Indian women to be mildly Freida Pinto-esque, and then we are talking about 600 million hotties just wondering the streets of Mumbai, or Delhi or Thiruvananthapuram. And you wanted to go to the Ukraine to find a wife. 

My second thought is “Why? Why are we doing this again?” This is like the 6th attempt at this franchise? I mean how many cracks at Planet of the Apes does Hollywood want? Guys, it’s over.  While the first one is a cult classic, with its frontal lobotomies, dodgy make up and Charlton Heston trying to fuck a monkey,  Tim Burton’s 2001 remake is clunky, uninspired and a massive let down. So you gotta wonder if another version is needed. But that’s never stopped Hollywood before. So lets just put that aside and watch this thing. I mean, why am I even having thoughts before I go into a movie anyway? That usually doesn't happen. Stupid brain. Shut up for a minute will you?

Anyway, as it turns out, Rise of the Planet of the Apes (could you have a more confusing title?) isn’t really a remake at all, its a completely new premise that just sort of borrows the Apes title. James Franco plays a brilliant scientist (already we have to suspend disbelief) who is using chimps to find a cure for Alzheimer’s which has struck down his father (John Lithgow. The man does some real good crazy). After an experiment with the new drug goes haywire, Franco ends up adopting a chimp in order to save its life. He names it “Caesar”, after his favourite salad, and forces it to wear trousers. Things quickly unravel though, as the supposed cure has made his pet chimp smarter than Rainman and as nimble as a 12 year old Chinese gymnast. Being too clever and too powerful for his own good, Caesar finds himself taken to monkey prison, and that, is where shit gets crazy. Caesar, backed into a corner, alone, confused and angry, somehow turns into the Che Guevera of chimps, and orchestrates an uprising against the humans, in order to finally be free. Of trousers.

Or something like that. Freida Pinto is not in it nearly as much as I would have liked, but she’s pleasant as the vet/girlfriend, and makes me even more enthusiastic about my holiday plans to India. Franco is likeable enough, but in the end, the god honest truth is that he is acted off the screen by a monkey. Quite seriously. The real star of the film is the chimp (played by Andy Serkis with the help of Lord of the Rings CGI team WETA). And its here that the movie succeeds, as all the emotional pull that’s required, the tense undercurrent that powers the whole thing, only works if the chimp is believable, which he totally is. Serkis was also “Gollum” in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, so he’s sort of the go to guy if you need someone to play a creepy, needy hominoid. In fact, the entire cast of CGI apes are pretty amazing, proving that WETA Digital is the best thing to come out of New Zealand since Dave Dobbyn.

Although the trailer makes the movie look like some sort of action extravaganza – a battle royale between humanity and a dangerous gang of ‘roid rage apes – it in actual fact is a compelling emotional drama about the struggle for freedom and fighting to find your true self. Apes, despite having the potential to have been a popcorn shitpuddle, is a pleasant surprise. Plus it also features a Gorilla tackling a Helicoptor mid air. And you can’t tell me there is any part of that sentence that isn’t awesome.

3 STARS

SUMMARY: Project X meets Limitless

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: Primate aficionados,  Sci Fi fans.

RELEASE DATE: In cinemas today 

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER

U-S-A!! U-S-A!!!

Review by: James

This year, it feels like too many of the movies I’ve watched at the cinema are just comic adaptations. It has been an onslaught of comic book character films -  The Green Hornet, X-Men: First Class, Thor and Justin Bieber: Never Say Never.

Luckily, the standard overall has been pretty good, but I do wonder if we are veering a little close to burn out. There’s only so much superhero stuff that people can take before the backlash begins. But before that happens, let’s take a moment to realise how lucky we are that things are this bright. Think back just a few years, and you’ll recall that for the comic book superhero genre, things got really, really, really bad. Remember the filthy depths of bong resin we were subject to?

Oh dear.

Top 5 worst comic adaptations (The Golden Era 1997-2007)

5. Daredevil.

Its weird, they cast Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner and Colin Farrell as the leads and it still didn’t work.

4. Catwoman.

Halle Berry makes a bad Best Actress decision. Even if she returns the Oscar, and shows you her boobs again, it still won’t make up for this film crime.

3. Ghostrider.

So bad, it could be Nicholas Cage’s worst film. I know!!

2. Batman and Robin.

Responsible for the career deaths of Alicia Silverstone and Chris O’Donnell. So maybe it’s not so bad.

1. Elektra.

Every Christmas, thank Santa that you never saw this cinematic Chernobyl.

Of course there have been comic book films worse than these, the 80’s and early 90’s is littered with corpses (Captain America even had its first go in 1990. Not good.) 

But the more recent abominations prove how quickly things have turned around. Thank god for Marvel Studios, they’ve almost single-handedly restored the genre, and Captain America: The First Avenger sees them stay the course.  Sort of.  A touch better than The Incredible Hulk, on par with Thor, but nowhere near Iron Man. 

The First Avenger sees weedy but honest Steve Rogers, (a CGI scrawny Chris Evans), get recruited by the army to be part of an experiment to create the super soldier. Hand picked because of his pure heart, they put him into a tanning bed, twist some knobs and he come out a few minutes later looking like a man raised on a diet of steroids and Fitness First memberships. MEGA BUFF!!!  Taller, faster and with super human athleticism, (think a white Ben Johnson circa 1998) He transforms into Captain America, which is cool, but from this point on in the cinema I develop a strong sense that I have very little idea what is going on, but I also have a stronger sense that it no longer matters. It’s something about our hero locating and destroying secret factories that convert mystical energy into Nazi powered laser guns (of course!!). Everything moves along so fast that it’s hard not to get swept up in it all, as our brave Captain tries to destroy Redskull (played by an excellent Hugo Weaving) while attempting to bone his English Rose love interest (played by generic attractive brunette – aka Hayley Atwell).

Ultimately, the movie floats because square jawed Chris Evans could only have been more perfect as Captain America if he was also an NFL quarterback who is dating Reese Witherspoon. And secondly, having Rogers chosen for the job because of his essential goodness, not his ability or bravado, ensures that even before he becomes a hero, were rooting for him.  The movie, like Captain America himself, is well meaning, highly attractive, not hugely interesting, but worth a go. And for those of you who had any lingering doubt about the United States being the greatest fucking country on earth, you can go shove it. Captain America proves that USA is still number one! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! What colour is freedom? Excuse me? Of course you would ask that you bleeding heart, commie-loving lefty asshole. Go help your wife with her shopping. U-S-A!!!!!!

(If you’re playing at home, the colour of freedom is Red, White and Blue).

3 STARS

SYNOPSIS: America Rules!!! Shield chucking fun.

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: Skinny guys, Americans.

RELEASE DATE: In cinemas now 

Additional Notes from Jade: I also saw the film with James. We saw it in 3D and to be honest I spent the first 25 minutes of the film trying to figure out if my 3D glasses were working. The 3D in this film is pretty pathetic and not really worth the worry. However I was impressed that the glasses were multi-ethnic fitting - that's right they actually fit very nicely on an Asian's face despite the fact Asian's have no real nose bridge and generally need to wear glasses on their cheeks. 

I didn't think Hugo Weaving was that great. In fact his German accent sucked balls. Why can't actors do good German accents unless they actually are German? 

James is right - it's better than Hulk. But not better than Iron Man. Although I am not a comic book nerd (and apologies to all those comic book nerds, because I know you hate being called nerds), I know this is the lead in film to The Avengers (also because if you stay for the long credits you are rewarded with a teaser from the next instalment starring Samuel L Jackson and Robert Downey Jr). It does feel like Captain America is simply the set up for The Avengers - which I think looks awesome! Iron Man standard. My friend Sam is a comic book nerd and I couldn't help but wonder what he would have thought of this film. He was probably grumbling and dissatisfied - that's kinda Sam's vibe. 

I also had the misfortune of seeing The Green Hornet recently. I love Michel Gondry - and prior to this film, I have loved every music video and film he has directed. He is a brilliant director and I love his vision. But I guess every great director succumbs to the Hollywood big budget piece of shit at some point in their career. And this is Gondry's. 

Basically The Green Hornet is the story of a rich pratt who becomes the owner / publisher of a newspaper after the sudden death of his father. Fast-forward and he becomes a masked vigilante fighting crime. Cameron Diaz plays the token hot female. 

Seth Rogen plays the son who is so unlikeable and punishing - even when you're suppose to come around and like him in the end, you don't. The only word that I could think of was "yuck". What a punisher. Not funny. Still arrogant. 

The film is a cross between Billy Madison and Kick-Ass but without the humour of Adam Sandler and without the awesomeness of Nicholas Cage. 

It's by no means close to the calibre of Iron Man or even Captain America. It's a watered down, boring take on a superhero film. And it just makes me hate Seth Rogen's guts. He was way better when he liked pies. 

RED DOG

What Would Phil Collins Do?
Review by: Yumi

Okay so I saw the new Australian film Red Dog today.

Red Dog is notable for a couple of reasons:

It's directed by Kriv Stenders, a well-liked filmmaker who is regularly lionised at the annual IF Awards and whose accomplishments include Boxing Day and The Illustrated Family Doctor.

It is about a dog.  The dog is red. Ish.

The film reunites two of the stars of The Year My Voice Broke - Noah Taylor, whose amazing face looks well lived-in and thoroughly inhabited, and Loene Carmen, who's barely changed.  In The Year My Voice Broke they played teenagers who never got it on, which was just as well because in the film it was alluded to they were possibly half brother/sister.  In Red Dog they play a well-married couple, which is cute.  Incest isn't cute*, but they are cute and it made me happy to see both of them, two terrific actors who go way back, probably enjoying the hell out of each other.

THEN:

NOW:

It was filmed while Australian actor Rachel Taylor, one of the film's stars, was going through private-life dramas with troubled actor Matthew Newton and some of those dramas made the local news on more than one occasion. 

Poseidon actor Josh Lucas plays the token yank.  He is handsome but almost indistinguishable from Josh Duhamel**, with whom he once starred in the Katherine Heigl rom-com Life As We Know It.
                                                                                       

**

I don't know what else to say about this film except that last year I saw Summer Coda, a 2010 Australian film also starring Rachel Taylor and also set in the country, and that was even worse than Red Dog.  It was dark in the cinema today, so I couldn't read the newspaper so in the interest of time management, I had a little nap.  Time management!  I am a single mum with two daughters and two jobs and I could've left the screening but was contractually obliged to stay... but not contractually obliged to stay awake.

What would Phil Collins do? 

I love Phil Collins.  I particularly love him in this song with Philip Bailey from the album 'Chinese Wall'.

Phil Collins is a reasonable man, but like me, he's busy, he's hardworking.  If you're ever stuck, ask yourself, WHAT WOULD PHIL COLLINS DO?  Does Phil Collins waste time singing a duet with someone who can't sing?  Who doesn't have thorough assurance and swagger that his shit is awesome and he can hold his own and be brilliant and soulful and joyful and wondrous while standing next to Phil Collins?  No!  Would Phil Collins nap during a well-intentioned, but completely nonsensical, tone-deaf Aussie film?  Yes.  Yes he would.  He's an easy napper.  He'll take a nap but you won't feel it.

*incest is actually very cute in the film Close My Eyes (1991, dir Stephen Poliakoff) starring an undiscovered Clive Owen who totally badly wants to bone his sister, played by Saskia Reeves and the sexual tension is red-hot.  Sorry, but it is.

**Only one of these actors is dating Black Eyed Peas vocalist Fergie, who may or may not be female.

2 STARS

SYNOPSIS: A town is united through the example set by one loyal dog.  THERE IS NO GAY SEX IN THIS FILM.  UNLESS THEY SLIPPED THAT BIT IN WHILE I WAS SLEEPING.

WHO SHOULD SEE IT?  I actually thought my kids might totally dig this film even though I didn't - so maybe kids and insomniacs should see it.
RELEASE DATE: In cinemas Thursday 4 August

Additional Notes from Jade: Ok so the film sucks, but these great actors are also talented musicians (no not Rachel Taylor - although she did mime in that Glee-esk episode of Grey's Anatomy - OMG that was BAD). Loene Carmen is also a singer / songwriter who I once toured with to SXSW in Texas. She's one hot lady. Her gorgeous and also very talented daughter with actor Aden Young is Holiday from Bridezilla.  And Noah Taylor has just announced he and his band The Sloppy Boys (which also features Cec Condon from The Mess Hall) will be making their live debut at the 2011 Homebake festival. Nick Cave is a fan. At least we can rely on Australian music

HANNA

The Opposite of Tron

Review by: Yumi

I love it when you see an actor finally start to really enjoy themselves and Cate Blanchett looks like she's enjoying the shit out of herself in the new action fairytale Hanna which is out today (28/07/11).  

A third of the way through, I knew with absolute certainty that this was going to be one of my favourite movies for 2011.  And I wasn't disappointed.  (Which is totally different from the time I went and saw Tron at iMax and paid, like 25 bucks and was totally bored and couldn't really get a good nap in and sort of left with a new and unpleasant loathing of Jeff Bridges.)

Cate Blanchett finally puts away all that ethereal shit for a while and just enjoys being a badass in Prada shoes while her friend and fellow Aussie Eric Bana is divine as a sort of mountain-man recluse in fur and a beard and all unwashed and manly.  It's the sort of role Tom Cruise WISHES he could play - but Hollywood knows that when you want manly bearishness, you go to Eric Bana.  I met him once.  He is a big unit.  He's all in proportion.  He looks like he could slaughter a cow, bleed it, gut it, throw it over his shoulders and dance around with it at a blue-light disco.  

Eric was doing press about a car doco he'd made, Love The Beast (2009).  I confessed to Eric when we met that the family car, me and my sprogs had been driving around in for the past 5 years was a Holden but I'd spent 4.9 years sincerely believing it was a Toyota.  He sort of looked through me like I was a small, buzzing insect.  I win people over like that, y'know, with my banter.  

Anyway, the movie Hanna isn't Eric's, nor Cate's.  The film belongs to its 17-year-old star, New York-born but in all other respects, Irish actor Saoirse Ronan. She'd teamed up with the director Joe Wright before on Atonement - for which she was so good she was nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar.  They clearly like each other and her commitment to her character in this film is dazzling.  

The less you know about the plot, the more you'll enjoy the film, suffice to say there's shooting and killing but surprisingly little blood, and the whole thing will likely be compared to Run Lola Run because it is, in essence, one big chase film.

The big drawcard is the soundtrack by The Chemical Bros which is more than just a soundtrack, it's sort of the pulsing heart of Hanna.  Sound design is front-and-central in this film.  You'll see a long tracking shot along a subterranean streetscape that becomes an excuse to make the wailing of a homeless nutcase the lead vocals in a stadium-sized techno anthem.  Oh wait, no - he's gone and now it's the swishing of a broom, or the ringing of a phone, it's a busker, it's...  It's very, very cool.

Hit Girl grows up?  Not so much.  It's more like if Natalie Portman's 14 year-old character in Leon (1994) was raised a steroidal survivalist killer in bleakest Eastern Europe and then unleashed.  Yeah!

STARS: 4 stars!

WHO SHOULD SEE IT?  Action fans, art cinema fans, music fans, ceiling fans, sickofans.

SYNOPSIS: Little girl lives in the forest with daddy.  Knows how to kill things. LOTS of things.

RELEASE DATE: In cinemas today