TOP 5: Ways To Dispose A Body

After watching Snowtown together, James & Yumi discuss the Top 5 ways to dispose a body

SOURCE CODE

STATE RAIL AND PEAK HANDSOME

Review by: James

I reckon you can watch the trailer for any movie and within 30 seconds decide two things:

1) This movie is going to be unreal/terrible and 

2) I am going to love/hate this movie.

And normally if a film is terrible you are going to hate it, and vice versa. Strangely though, this is not always the case.

Recent Example: Battle: Los Angeles.

Upon seeing the trailer, I knew immediately that is was going to be a terrible film. I also knew immediately that I would love it. And yep, nailed it. Correct on  both fronts. (Yumi would argue that I’m being ridiculous and there is no way you could like this film. She would be wrong.)

But just when you think you have honed your YouTube trailer watching snap judgement skills to a ninja-like precision, a film comes along and fucks it all up. Before seeing Source Code, I watched the trailer and had the immediately certain reaction “that looks woeful and I will not enjoy it”. I’d decided it was like a sci-fi version of last years  very average Unstoppable. I was wrong on all counts.  Nice one brain.

Source Code begins when Jake Gyllenhaal, wakes up on a train. He knows not where he is, who he is or what is happening. There is an attractive woman in front of him.  This has never happened to me. The last time I woke up on a train not knowing who I was or what was happening, I was trying to get home drunk from Homebush Bay. There was someone else’s blood on my shirt and stale Doritos in my hair. There was no attractive woman. It was a horrible night. If only I could have woken up as Jake Gyllenhaal.

For the first part of Source Code, this scenario plays itself out over and over again.  Jake and I are both thinking “What the fuck is going on here?” but together we start to make sense of it all. Sort of.  Turns out Jake is a soldier being used in a revolutionary physics distorting experiment where he can go right inside someone else’s body (not like that.) There’s a bomb on the train you see, he’s got to find who planted it, and save the girl. Or does he? By the way, you’ve  only got 8 minutes.

Michelle Monaghan, who is like a hot version of Katie Holmes is the bewildered but patient girl on the train. Vera Farmiga , my second favourite Ukranian-American actress (behind Mila Kunis) is Jake’s military contact to the outside world.  I like the cut of her jib.

Have you noticed that Jake Gyllenhaal gets more handsome every year? He is currently 30, and at this rate I imagine at about 38, he will enter an illustrious zone called “Peak Handsomeness”. This is the small but fantastic 18 month period where you are as hot as you are ever going to look. The tricky part is that you only know you were there after it ends. After that point it is a very slow but deliberate slide in the other direction. It is truly a glorious, golden time for any actor/model/hornbag. And although many movie stars stay attractive well into their late 40’s and beyond, that high watermark of hotness, the summit of your aesthetic Mt Everest is a wondrous, fleeting time. Some examples of Peak Handsomeness in film are:

- Although outrageously ripped in Fight Club, Brad Pitt’s peak handsomeness actually occurred during Oceans Eleven. He was 37.

- You want to say Out of Sight for Clooney, but it actually didn’t happen till he was 44 in Goodnight and Goodluck.

- Depp is a tricky one, as there seems no end to his exquisiteness trajectory. But he was never more arse-clenchingly (not really a word) gorgeous than at 36 in Chocolat

- Steve Buscemi has either not yet reached peak handsomeness or it happened very, very young.

As for Source Code… Director Duncan Jones (who was behind 2009’s truly excellent Moon) makes sure its tense, never dull and that it falls into one of my all time favourite film categories: Movies under 100 minutes long (more on that in coming weeks).

Probably the best time travel body displacement action adventure film of the year. So far.

STARS: Not quite 4 but more than 3 stars sounds like too many. 3.75 stars.

SUMMARY: I didn’t know what was happening either.

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: Fans of Groundhog Day. People who like trains.

RELEASE DATE: In cinemas now  

PAUL

Finally…

Review by: James

Alien films fall into two categories. They end up being either the greatest films EVER made e.g. Predator, Alien/s, Starship Troopers, Close Encounters, ET, My Stepmother is an Alien OR they fall into the basket of films so bad, you would happily fetch the vaseline for your own anal probe rather than have to sit through them: Signs, The Chronicles of Riddick, Skyline, Meet Dave, Alien Vs Predator and Species I,II,III and IV (Can you believe they made 4 of those fucking things? But not a single sequel to Top Gun? Jesus. Priorities guys!)

PAUL, cinemas latest extra terrestrial offering, somehow dodges both camps and finds its way squarely in the no mans land that is mediocrity. Not bad, not great, sort of funny but not actually.

After the success of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, Simon Pegg did some fairly questionable Hollywood films (What's the one where he is fat and has to run a lot? It was like an ep of The Biggest Loser) but here he reunites with buddy Nick Frost for a back to basics Brit-fish out of water bromance. They play sci-fi loving, comic reading nerds, on a roadtrip across America. As part of their ET fascination, they visit famous UFO crash sites where people claim to have contact with aliens, when, NO WAY!! they actually meet one on their travels. What are the odds? Enter computer generated comedy Alien (with the voice of Seth Rogen) Paul, who needs their help. He is on the run from the Government operatives who want to smash him open like a crab.

YUM!! You know it Harry!!

Secret government agents, explosions, car chases across the dessert... It rolls along like some distorted version of cannonball run.  But Burt Reynolds is Simon Pegg and Farrah Fawcett is an alien. Actually, that’s a terrible example. Do kids even know what the fuck Cannonball Run is?  That movie came out over 30 years ago, and they legally let people into nightclubs who were born in 1992. How is that even possible?  Fully grown humans that were born in 1992!! That’s just stupid. So on second thoughts, Cannonball Run is not such a great example. It’s too ancient. Plus to be honest, this movie bears very little resemblance to Cannonball Run. Except that Farrah Fawcett IS an alien.

The whole thing is sort of pleasant without being memorable. They best bits are the self referential geek jokes, the gay nerd subtext and a cameo from Sigourney Weaver, who at 62 still looks hotter than a $10 stereo. I wonder what it is with all these actresses who manage to stay totally sexy despite being as old as everyone I knows mum.  Impressive, but strangely freakish at the same time. Oh dear Yumi, My word count is crying out for a TOP 5...Can't. Hold out. Any.Longer....

TOP 5 Most Chronically Bangable Actresses Over 60

1. Goldie Hawn. She's still pretty smoking. Or is it her daughter that’s really hot? I'm pretty sure I can't tell the difference.

2. Kim Bassinger. You'd totally have a go and then tell everybody.

3. Hellen Mirren. You would, but probably wouldn't tell everybody.

4. Sigourney Weaver. Have you SEEN the deltoids on her? 

5. Dame Judy Dench. Nuff said.

Look, to be honest, its a bit of fun, I just felt a bit let down at the end. Like when you try to jerk off in bed when you're really drunk. In the end I think my biggest problem is that it’s honestly pretty hard to watch the CGI alien do these jokes and not visualise Seth Rogen. Just like it’s pretty hard to watch a new Seth Rogen film and not visualise the chubby Seth Rogen, who I totally prefer. Is it wrong for me to like Seth Rogen more when he was fat? When he was tubby he reminded me of the guy who used to work in the computer section of Harvey Norman at the Moore Park Super centre. Helpful, smiley, dorky, and just a hint of possible sex pest. And who doesn't like a guy like that?

Stars: 3

Summary: Pottymouth ET with an RV OR  Seth Rogen needs more pies 

Who should see it: Guys who work behind the counter at an EB games store.

COMPLAINTS CHOIR, UMSHINI WAN & THE WRONG FERRARI

NOT GOING TO THE ROYAL WEDDING OR THE LOGIES? CAN’T WAIT FOR JAMES TO REVIEW PAUL?

Review by: Jade

Well that’s ok, you’re not the only one. While Yumi dresses up as zombie bride in honour of Kate & Will, and James practices his best twirls for the Logies red carpet, I am with blankie watching films. Here’s 2.5 random films all related to music.

MOANERS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!

Complaints Choir

Complaints Choir is a documentary about a Finnish couple Tellervo & Oliver Kalleinen who set about establishing Complaints Choirs around the world.

So what is a Complaints Choir? It’s a ridiculous yet therapeutic forum to release frustration. Or simply put, it’s where disgruntled and whiny people go to vent and share their complaints with other moaners, which are in turn used as lyrics for a bitching song.

And as someone who often uses the expressions: “I’m writing a letter of a complaint” and “Excuse me who is your manager I want to talk to them” – I felt it was only appropriate I finally check out this film.

The film tries to dig deeper and investigate what is complaining? Why do people complain? Is it bad for you? But I’m not convinced I walked away with any of the answers.

I thought this film was going to be humorous and fun, but with two deadpan Finns at the realm, I was never going to be rolling around on the floor. Even the music score by Danish producer / DJ Trentemoeller is pretty dark and depressing.

It’s insightful and thought provoking but mostly disappointing. There’s half a story here with no real ending. Uh oh. I’m complaining about complainers. Perfect.

RATING: 2.5  Stars
SUMMARY: Room of whingers write song 

SEE IT IF: You’ve ever thought of writing a letter of complaint

http://www.complaintschoir.org

FULL FOKKEN FLEX

Umshini Wan (aka Bring Me My Machine Gun)

Umshini Wan / Bring Me My Machine Gun is the latest work from controversial writer and director Harmony Korine (yes, that sick f*** who wrote KIDS, GUMMO & KEN PARK).

This short film debuted at the SXSW Music & Film Festival in Austin, Texas this year and features South African music sensations Die Antwoord, who were in Australia at the start of the year on the Big Day Out festival.

To appreciate this short film, you need to know who the hell Die Antwoord are. The South African trio exploded onto the music scene last year with people wondering if they were a joke band taking the piss. It turns out they are the real deal.

Ninja and Yo-Landi Vi$$er are the MC / rappers of the group and the main stars of Korine’s short film. The band’s DJ, DJ Hi-Tek doesn’t feature in the film but is still responsible for it’s sik beats.

The band are relatively mysterious and remain somewhat of an enigma. In this short Ninja and Yo-Landi play themselves and at times you really feel like perhaps you are getting a real insight into their wacky life and unique relationship. It’s fascinating to watch.

I was intrigued and entertained and not just by the characters. The film is interesting, looks amazing and is beautifully directed with a score that creates the perfect tone. It definitely does the band and it’s brand justice. Die Antwoord + Korine = match made in heaven.

RATING: 4 Stars
SUMMARY: Bonnie & Clyde for the noughties    

SEE IT IF: You love Die Antwoord

http://www.vbs.tv/watch/umshini-wam--2/umshini-wam

TOO MANY WRONGS DON’T MAKE IT RIGHT

The Wrong Ferrari 

The Wrong Ferarri is an insight into what the cool kids in NYC do in their spare time: Get high on ketamine and make a film with iPhones. FUN!

King of the indie rockers, Adam Greene (The Moldy Peaches) recruits his favourite hipsters (also known as "faggots" in this film) to star alongside him in this awesome little mess. Macauly Culkin joins musicians Lightspeed Champion, Har Mar Superstar, Devandra Banhart and Pete Doherty - who pretty much stars as himself - a wasted muso canoodling a wall. 

It's lo-fi, grungy and raw - well der, it's shot on iPhones. The acting is laughable. But this is actually what's cool about it. It's one of those so bad it's good type of films. It's hilarious. It's stupid. It's trippy. And it makes no sense at all. It's a film that has you thinking the entire time - "why?", "how?", "are they messed up now?", "what is this about?", "what's with nintendo?", "when will this finish?", "is that really Adam Greene's penis?". And yes apparently it really is.

Greene's manager also stars in the film - naked. And topless in a bath with him. Cool!

This film is shithouse. But it's still entertaining. Take Adam Greene's advice: “I’m encouraging people to download it, put it on the TV, and turn off the lights. It’s not a fucking YouTube clip. Watch it like a movie".

RATING: 1 star
SUMMARY: High musos make a movie 

SEE IT IF: You have a spare tab of acid OR Live in Surry Hills

http://www.thewrongferarri.com/

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THOR

THE SUBTEXT OF THOR:  EVERYONE HATES SAM WORTHINGTON

Review By: Yumi

There’s another lengthy swords and sandals epic from 2004 called 'Alexander' which opens with a scene where Sir Anthony Hopkins explains tedious plot details for approximately 20 minutes.  That scene made me instantly hate the film 'Alexander' although Colin Farrell and Angelina Jolie as his Mom provided plenty more reasons later in that film.

I have a theory about Anthony Hopkins, a known alcoholic who was at his most ruddy during the amazingly crap 'Zorro' (1998)*.   My theory is that Anthony Hopkins is shit.  His drinking/non drinking status at present is unknown to me, but while I don't think he was a better actor when he was heaps pissed in the nineties, but he was definitely less uninteresting.

Getting back to 'Thor' - our friend Sir Anthony Hopkins opens the film with an interminable scene in which he explains plot points to which we never return.  It's hard for the film to recover from such a deluge of boring, but star Chris Hemsworth is hot and that goes quite a long way.  Oh, ten points for a cameo from Jeremy Renner at the halfway mark.  Hot also!  

Bad news is that Chris Hemsworth spends less than one whole minute shirtless and that Sir Anthony Hopkins has at least four more films in pre or post-production.  Just retire, buddy!

Natalie Portman is unreal in the part of Jane, resident scientist and little skerrick of credibility for the film 'Thor’.  Thor's real, true love is for his hammer, which he ADORES, but he fancies Natalie a little bit too, and she delivers her lines without any sarcasm whatsoever.

Anyway, I did some pondering and got to thinking about what 'Thor' really is about.  Part of it is a success story of this likeable Australian actor, Chris Hemsworth, and the simultaneous growth of his status as an actor and a leading man and the growth of his amazing muscles, and that's nice because we all like muscles and we all like success stories, especially Aussie ones, right?  Except I have a question: Wouldn't a natural extrapolation of this story be a comparison of Hemsworth's success with another Aussie guy who made it big in Hollywood, Sam Worthington?  Both muscly hunks, both in big budget, slightly stupid epics (that we like), and yet everyone seems to be running a mile from comparing one to the other.  Why?

The true subtext of 'Thor' is that everyone in Hollywood hates Sam Worthington.

* (If you care to waste $3.50 and an hour of your life, take a look at 'Zorro' and you'll see Hannibal Lecter barely able to focus on his goblet.  He sobered up for a while after that.)

STARS: 2 stars

SUMMARY: Natalie Portman is pretty good

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: 14 year old boys & James

RELEASE DATE: 21 April 2011 

SCREAM 4

CRAVEN ANOTHER BLOODY SEQUEL?
Review By: James


Its hard not to wonder if this is really necessary. I mean, the original Scream was pretty awesome. It took the piss out the whole history of horror and won. It was smart, it was funny and perhaps best of all Drew Barrymore gets gutted like a fish 15 minutes in. (Seriously, its the only way to get her to shut up.) But just like any slasher film that does pretty well, you have to find a way to turn it into a sequel, and then a trilogy, and if you can, just keep going. And going and going. I think they just made SAW 7 last year. SEVEN! How crazy is that? Crazier still, that cash cow has grossed something like $800 million dollars, but proves that if you suck on a teet long enough, eventually all that's going to come out is puss.  

So despite the let downs of the two previous Scream sequels, someone in Hollywood  who gets paid to come up with new and exciting cinema ideas suggested "Its the ten year anniversary of the first film, so what about....wait for it... Scream 4" and after some awkward silence, Bob Weinstein shat his pants at the idea and the money he could make. And he would not be alone. The other man to shit himself with excitement in that meeting was the agent of David Arquette's, who realised, for the first time in a long time, that he could finally call David and offer him something other than a WWE SMACKDOWN event. 

And there is the story of how Scream 4 got made. (Please do not wikipedia that. It'll only be embarrassing for you.) But that's not the point, the point is that all your favourites from the Scream trilogy are back!!  Sidney, Dewey, Monica from friends and of course.... Ghostface Killer!

 No not that one.

This one.

And he has the same lust for the sweet, sweet blood of cheerleaders. (But seriously, who doesn't?) Neve Cambell is also back as Sidney Prescot, still angry at herself for doing Wild Things, she returns to her home town of Woodsboro as a writer, a decade after the killings stopped to promote her book, and lo and behold, the murderous rampage start AGAIN. Oopsy!! Why didn't you just stay away Neve? Why? Oh you did. For ages. Weren't you even in an episode of Medium? It looked heaps like you hey.

Anyway, it looks like Sidney herself is the main suspect which means David "God darnit I'm just so perpetually confused" Arquette has to try and sort out this bloody mess. The town gets suspicious of Sidney from here on its its pretty much back to formula from here, (stab, stab, twist, red herring!! stab, cute outfit! joke, stab, TWIST) but director Wes Craven keeps it smart enough and funny enough to make sure that we don't descend into the complete shlock of the last two movies. 

Did I laugh? TICK.

Did I squirm uncomfortably? TICK.

What more can a slasher film ask? (Apart from maybe "Did you get a boner?" Ummm. gross. That’s disgusting I can't believe you even asked me that.)

In the end, there is so much self-referential stuff and nodding humour that the whole thing is kind of a clever commentary on not just modern horror films, but Hollywood, and the use of violence as exploitation. Either that, or its just an excuse to see pretty Emma Roberts getting blood all over her brand new sweater.

SIDENOTE - I'm just not sure how hard it would be to solve this crime anyway. Did you see the knife the killers wielding? You can't just buy that shit at Barbeques Galore. That's not the sort of blade mum has in her Wiltshire block. That's a top of the range, super pricey chefs knife. It slices through small intestine like warm butter. Your first step in the investigation would be simply locking up all the head chefs in Woodsboro. They're your prime suspects, that ought to stop the slaughter. And even if it doesn't, it’s no great loss. The food there is TERRIBLE.

STARS: 3.5 Stars

SUMMARY: Better than the last two

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: Cheerleaders, Chefs, David Arquette fans

RELEASE DATE: In Cinemas Now