FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Friends With No Strings 

Review by: Jade

When I got the screening invite to Friends with Benefits – the new romantic comedy starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis – I called James to see if he was going to do this review.

Jade: Are you going to the screening of Friends with Benefits?

James: I’ve already seen it. I watched it on the plane.

Jade: What did you think? Was it good?

James: I could only watch the first 20 minutes. Then I turned it off.

Jade: I’m really surprised it’s on planes already? It’s not released in cinemas for another month and a half.

It turns out James was talking about No Strings Attached – another romantic comedy starring Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.

So off I went to the screening with my buddy Mel in tow. Why? Because she had seen No Strings Attached and I needed a cheat sheet to see how similar Friends with Benefits was to No Strings Attached. Some people have commented it is the same film. And if I’m really honest, I just wanted to evaluate how vague James is (I know, I know. Mila and Natalie were both in Black Swan. Mila and Ashton were both in That 70’s Show. It’s not hard to get it all confused). 

Friends with Benefits is the story of… well friends with benefits. Sexual benefits. Jamie (Mila Kunis) is a corporate head-hunter who recruits Dylan (Justin Timberlake) to New York to take a job at GQ magazine. Of course Dylan knows no one in New York. So of course Dylan and Jamie become friends. And of course they take a stab at that whole mythical idea of being friends who have sex without commitment or complication. Sound like another Hollywood rom-com? Kinda.

The opening scene stars brief appearances from Andy Samberg and Emma Stone who play Jamie and Dylan’s ex-partners respectively. So the first 5 minutes of the film set my expectations high. I LOVE this cast!

MILA – Hot! And her Awards season wardrobe was KILLER this year. And she dated Macauly Culkin.

JT – He dated Britney, ditched a great music career to star in Facebook and then bought into myspace? Random!

ANDY – THE LONELY ISLAND!!!

EMMA – What hot blonde goes back to being a ranga? That’s pretty cool. And she’s just such a spunk.

I have to admit I was fairly distracted throughout the film and can’t really remember a lot about it (note to self: write review after seeing the film, not 4 weeks later).

TOP 5 DISTRACTIONS DURING FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

1. Richard Wilkins had his shoes off and his feet on the seat – which just so happened to be near my head. It was thoroughly disgusting. I think I may have spewed in my own mouth.
2. Jamie & Dylan go to Café Habana which is one of the many restaurants James, Mel and I have occupied in NYC together. OMG the corn there is SO good. SO good. It’s unbeatable. In fact I started thinking about all the corn I’ve tried in Australia recently. The Norfolk (shit), MsG’s (ok), Mama Sita (pretty good) – but none of them stack up to Café Habana by a long shot. I’m hungry now. I can’t wait to meet James for KFC after this. God, am I really going to eat chicken though? I’m vego. But KFC is hardly chicken is it. Ok I think I will have a burger. Or maybe a drumstick. I wish there was frozen coke here.
3. What ever happened to JT’s music career? Man, the I Think She Knows interlude after Lovestoned is so good. 3.28 is the magic number I use to jump to just to hear my favourite part. I should listen to that when I get home. Oh that’s right, I let my ex keep all my CDs and records http://youtu.be/QUuKvHHt8Sk
4. Is Jenna Elfman still a scientologist? And is she still friends with Kate Cebrano? Yumi and I use to talk about joining Scientology. We were mildly obsessed.
5. James. I wonder how similar this film actually is to No Strings Attached. And how James is so NOT my friend with benefits – that’s not entirely true. He helped me move house. And most importantly he was my wingman when I met my fiancé. He flew to Melbourne with me and went to some random festival where we knew no one just so I could tune some guy. Now that’s my idea of a real friend with benefits.

Ok back to the movie. Sorry!

Despite being a fairly traditional rom-com plot, there are elements of the film that set it apart and allow it to be more than just another rom-com. The dialogue starts off witty, funny and smart. They even make stabs at rom-coms and Katherine Heigl. There’s spunk and sass and the characters are confident and brash. It doesn’t seem as clichéd as you would expect from a rom-com.

The casting is exceptional. Patricia Clarkson (who played Emma Stone’s mother in Easy A) plays Jamie’s mother. Jenna Elfman plays Dylan’s sister. And Woody Harrelson plays Tommy, the gay sportswriter at GQ who probably wants to be Dylan’s friend with benefits too. Woody does not disappoint. He’s hilarious and lovable. And pro snowboarder Shaun White shows that some sport stars actually can act (not like Tony Hawk who starred in a film I worked on once – bless him, he can skate like a demon and run a business worth billions, but acting just ain’t his bag). Shaun is surprisingly very good though.

Ultimately this is a couple trying to defy the clichés of a Hollywood romantic comedy. They think they can do a casual sexual relationship with no emotional attachment. And hey, they wouldn’t be the first. But the sad thing is, they do end up being the Hollywood cliché. Which means the film does too. And Jamie, who starts out as an empowered, strong, funny, independent woman suddenly becomes another crazy, needy, psycho. Nooooo Mila, I love you!

At the end of the day, I love a good rom-com… on a plane. And this is one I would happily watch and enjoy while eating my vegetarian meal that makes me bloated and constipated and has no chocolate or cake (vego does not mean I want an apple for dessert!). It’s not amazing. It’s nothing new. But it’s not terrible and it’s easy to watch.

It turns out Mel didn’t think Friends with Benefits was that similar to No Strings Attached. Although the ending may be the same, the plot is slightly different. Mel rated No Strings Attached as the funnier film and reckons Ashton Kutcher is a better actor than JT. But James turned it off 20 minutes in? But he also told me it was Friends With Benefits?

I guess James is somewhat vague.

3 STARS

SYNOPSIS: Friends take a shot at casual sex with no emotional attachment

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: Those flying, rom-com fans, Medynski, those who enjoyed No Strings Attached

RELEASE DATE: In cinemas today

RED DOG

What Would Phil Collins Do?
Review by: Yumi

Okay so I saw the new Australian film Red Dog today.

Red Dog is notable for a couple of reasons:

It's directed by Kriv Stenders, a well-liked filmmaker who is regularly lionised at the annual IF Awards and whose accomplishments include Boxing Day and The Illustrated Family Doctor.

It is about a dog.  The dog is red. Ish.

The film reunites two of the stars of The Year My Voice Broke - Noah Taylor, whose amazing face looks well lived-in and thoroughly inhabited, and Loene Carmen, who's barely changed.  In The Year My Voice Broke they played teenagers who never got it on, which was just as well because in the film it was alluded to they were possibly half brother/sister.  In Red Dog they play a well-married couple, which is cute.  Incest isn't cute*, but they are cute and it made me happy to see both of them, two terrific actors who go way back, probably enjoying the hell out of each other.

THEN:

NOW:

It was filmed while Australian actor Rachel Taylor, one of the film's stars, was going through private-life dramas with troubled actor Matthew Newton and some of those dramas made the local news on more than one occasion. 

Poseidon actor Josh Lucas plays the token yank.  He is handsome but almost indistinguishable from Josh Duhamel**, with whom he once starred in the Katherine Heigl rom-com Life As We Know It.
                                                                                       

**

I don't know what else to say about this film except that last year I saw Summer Coda, a 2010 Australian film also starring Rachel Taylor and also set in the country, and that was even worse than Red Dog.  It was dark in the cinema today, so I couldn't read the newspaper so in the interest of time management, I had a little nap.  Time management!  I am a single mum with two daughters and two jobs and I could've left the screening but was contractually obliged to stay... but not contractually obliged to stay awake.

What would Phil Collins do? 

I love Phil Collins.  I particularly love him in this song with Philip Bailey from the album 'Chinese Wall'.

Phil Collins is a reasonable man, but like me, he's busy, he's hardworking.  If you're ever stuck, ask yourself, WHAT WOULD PHIL COLLINS DO?  Does Phil Collins waste time singing a duet with someone who can't sing?  Who doesn't have thorough assurance and swagger that his shit is awesome and he can hold his own and be brilliant and soulful and joyful and wondrous while standing next to Phil Collins?  No!  Would Phil Collins nap during a well-intentioned, but completely nonsensical, tone-deaf Aussie film?  Yes.  Yes he would.  He's an easy napper.  He'll take a nap but you won't feel it.

*incest is actually very cute in the film Close My Eyes (1991, dir Stephen Poliakoff) starring an undiscovered Clive Owen who totally badly wants to bone his sister, played by Saskia Reeves and the sexual tension is red-hot.  Sorry, but it is.

**Only one of these actors is dating Black Eyed Peas vocalist Fergie, who may or may not be female.

2 STARS

SYNOPSIS: A town is united through the example set by one loyal dog.  THERE IS NO GAY SEX IN THIS FILM.  UNLESS THEY SLIPPED THAT BIT IN WHILE I WAS SLEEPING.

WHO SHOULD SEE IT?  I actually thought my kids might totally dig this film even though I didn't - so maybe kids and insomniacs should see it.
RELEASE DATE: In cinemas Thursday 4 August

Additional Notes from Jade: Ok so the film sucks, but these great actors are also talented musicians (no not Rachel Taylor - although she did mime in that Glee-esk episode of Grey's Anatomy - OMG that was BAD). Loene Carmen is also a singer / songwriter who I once toured with to SXSW in Texas. She's one hot lady. Her gorgeous and also very talented daughter with actor Aden Young is Holiday from Bridezilla.  And Noah Taylor has just announced he and his band The Sloppy Boys (which also features Cec Condon from The Mess Hall) will be making their live debut at the 2011 Homebake festival. Nick Cave is a fan. At least we can rely on Australian music

HANNA

The Opposite of Tron

Review by: Yumi

I love it when you see an actor finally start to really enjoy themselves and Cate Blanchett looks like she's enjoying the shit out of herself in the new action fairytale Hanna which is out today (28/07/11).  

A third of the way through, I knew with absolute certainty that this was going to be one of my favourite movies for 2011.  And I wasn't disappointed.  (Which is totally different from the time I went and saw Tron at iMax and paid, like 25 bucks and was totally bored and couldn't really get a good nap in and sort of left with a new and unpleasant loathing of Jeff Bridges.)

Cate Blanchett finally puts away all that ethereal shit for a while and just enjoys being a badass in Prada shoes while her friend and fellow Aussie Eric Bana is divine as a sort of mountain-man recluse in fur and a beard and all unwashed and manly.  It's the sort of role Tom Cruise WISHES he could play - but Hollywood knows that when you want manly bearishness, you go to Eric Bana.  I met him once.  He is a big unit.  He's all in proportion.  He looks like he could slaughter a cow, bleed it, gut it, throw it over his shoulders and dance around with it at a blue-light disco.  

Eric was doing press about a car doco he'd made, Love The Beast (2009).  I confessed to Eric when we met that the family car, me and my sprogs had been driving around in for the past 5 years was a Holden but I'd spent 4.9 years sincerely believing it was a Toyota.  He sort of looked through me like I was a small, buzzing insect.  I win people over like that, y'know, with my banter.  

Anyway, the movie Hanna isn't Eric's, nor Cate's.  The film belongs to its 17-year-old star, New York-born but in all other respects, Irish actor Saoirse Ronan. She'd teamed up with the director Joe Wright before on Atonement - for which she was so good she was nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar.  They clearly like each other and her commitment to her character in this film is dazzling.  

The less you know about the plot, the more you'll enjoy the film, suffice to say there's shooting and killing but surprisingly little blood, and the whole thing will likely be compared to Run Lola Run because it is, in essence, one big chase film.

The big drawcard is the soundtrack by The Chemical Bros which is more than just a soundtrack, it's sort of the pulsing heart of Hanna.  Sound design is front-and-central in this film.  You'll see a long tracking shot along a subterranean streetscape that becomes an excuse to make the wailing of a homeless nutcase the lead vocals in a stadium-sized techno anthem.  Oh wait, no - he's gone and now it's the swishing of a broom, or the ringing of a phone, it's a busker, it's...  It's very, very cool.

Hit Girl grows up?  Not so much.  It's more like if Natalie Portman's 14 year-old character in Leon (1994) was raised a steroidal survivalist killer in bleakest Eastern Europe and then unleashed.  Yeah!

STARS: 4 stars!

WHO SHOULD SEE IT?  Action fans, art cinema fans, music fans, ceiling fans, sickofans.

SYNOPSIS: Little girl lives in the forest with daddy.  Knows how to kill things. LOTS of things.

RELEASE DATE: In cinemas today

HARRY POTTER & THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: PART 2

HARRY POTTER AND THE HIGHBROW EYEBROWS

Review by: Yumi

I watched every Harry Potter movie except the second-last one and the consistent reaction I had to all films was –

“Wow, Emma Watson has great eyebrows.”

Those eyebrows should get an Oscar, no shit.

Other Great Eyebrows in Movies:

Jennifer Connelly

Camilla Belle

Agnes Deyn

Natalie Portman

Rachel McAdams

I really love the Harry Potter movies, although I’ve never given any of them a single thought once they’ve finished, save to think about how to get Emma Watson’s eyebrows or wondering when it’s legal to have a sexy thought about Ron Weasley.  They’re fun, but pretty forgettable.

There is something so pleasing about how they’ve assembled a lot of the giants of English acting and given them all a massive superannuation payout.  I freakin love it.  “Maggie Smith?  Here’s your Harry Potter Golden Handshake for Years of Service as a Top Thesp.”  Ka-ching!  Maggie Smith was actually one of the best things about Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows: Part 2.  James has talked about this before but 74 year-old Maggie Smith...older than my Mum’s car, older than my favourite cheese, older than any wine ever drank– Maggie Smith really has enough charisma to be sexy.  She’s freakin impressive.  She impresses me as much as Emma Watson’s eyebrows.

Hey, the other awesome thing about Emma Watson, besides being beautiful and, like, MEGA WEALTHY, is that she fronted ad campaigns for Burberry and even though she’s a quarter of the age of the women who can afford that stuff, she TOTALLY makes me lust after gaberdines.  And makes me need a trenchcoat, baaaad. 

So is Harry Potter worth the hype? 

Yeah, it is.  It’s pretty awesome.  One thing that makes the Potter films special is they make magic magical.  They’re not orgies of special effects like a Transformers movie where story and character get lost in the bleeps and bangs.  The great actors (Alan Rickman!  John Hurt!  Emma Thompson (painfully underused in this one)!  David Thewlis!) dominate the drama and seem to be in competition to make the tiniest roles an exercise in giant performance. 

And weirdly, this film made me think about death and what happens after it – and listen up – among the nerds and wizards, it’s entirely possible that YOU, TOO may have an existential moment as you peer into the great void. 

I love a good film that makes me think about death.  Recently the Mark Romanek film Never Let Me Go did that and the message was:  “We all die.  Let’s cherish life – and each other – while we can.”

Phew!

Ralph Fiennes, as Harry Potter’s arch-nemesis Lord Voldemort is a snivelling picture of evil, although weirdly, in spite of his menace, many people in the cinema got the giggles whenever he appeared.  He MAY have been a bit hungry, and he MAY have chewed up a bit of the scenery, but Fiennes’ career has been a very logical flow chart:

1993	1994	1998	2002	2008	2011
Schindler’s List	Quiz Show	The Avengers	Maid in Manhattan	The Hurt Locker	Harry Potter finale
Ultimate Nazi	Aryan cheat	Pommy putz	J-Lo’s bitch	A guy who’s gonna get shot in the head after 5 minutes on screen, mainly because of his shit bandanna	Ultimate bad guy

Sometimes you gotta accept that you’re good at something, and Ralph Fiennes is good at being a vagina-face.

STARS: 4 Stars!

SYNOPSIS: The grand climax!

WHO SHOULD SEE IT?  Fans, nerds, anyone who owns a cape, but maybe not kids under 13.

RELEASE DATE: In cinemas today

WOULD YOU RATHER Leo, Matt or Mark?

This week The Cheap Seats revisits one of Yumi's favourite films The Departed. Which leads to the fairly obvious question... WOULD YOU RATHER shag Leonard DiCaprio, Matt Damon or Mark Wahlberg?

Which of course then leads to the question... WOULD YOU RATHER Cuba Gooding Jnr or Freddie Prinze Jnr?

Due to the controversial nature of the surrounding content, we were unable to reveal Yumi's second answer. But just so you don't feel ripped off, she would rather Cuba Gooding Jnr.

CHICK FLICKS PART 3: Bridesmaids, more than just another chick flick

Here is the final part of our behind the scenes videos on Chick Flicks. We're finishing with the film that inspired this series... that's right, the awesome Bridesmaids.

If you've seen advanced screenings of the film or are seeing it this weekend, make sure you tell us what you thought. You can comment here on our blogspot, or on our twitter or facebook. So many options!

In this final Chick Flicks video Yumi explains why Bridesmaids is more than just a chick flick and why James will love it (but will he?)

JUST ONE OF THE BRIDESMAIDS

YEY! Yumi was lucky enough to hang out with the amazing Kristen Wiig and Rose Byrne from BRIDESMAIDS on The Circle today!

We'll be sharing the third instalment of our behind the scenes Chick Flick videos tomorrow where Yumi explains (and James listens intently) why Bridesmaids ISN'T just another chick flick. 

Personally, I'm still reeling over the fact James thinks Terminator is a chick flick and he's touched Anne Hathaway's boobs (see Chick Flicks Part 1 & 2 videos). Let's just hope he touched them post-Princess Diaries!

CHICK FLICKS PART 2: The Rules of Chick Flicking

James still seems confused when it comes to Chick Flicks. Face munching? Anne Hathaway's boobs? Sheesh. Yumi tries to explain the rules of chick flicks 

CHICK FLICKS PART 1: James' Top Chick Flicks

We told you we were going bananas over Bridesmaids.

In this week's behind the scenes video, James and Yumi talk chick flicks. In not 1, not 2 but 3 videos!

Part 1 sees James share his favourite chick flicks with Yumi. Who would have thought robots, cars and prostitutes all equal chick flick?! And people wonder why he's single?!

BRIDESMAIDS

DON’T BE FOOLED BY THE POSTER – THS IS NOT A CRAPPY KATHERINE HEIGL COMEDY: IT’S ACTUALLY GOOD

Review by: Yumi

I was really glad when I heard Richard Wilkins had been on Channel 9 telling people not to go see Snowtown and giving it zero stars because it made me feel good.  There's a reason why he's there.  It's so that I know what not to do.

(Mind you, I can't always trust my own judgment.  It's a running gag in my office at the moment to give me shit for recommending Something Borrowed - a crappy rom-com with Kate Hudson and Ginnifer Goodwin.  I liked it because it stars John Krasinski and I always thought he would make an interesting and attentive sexual partner; he'd also listen to you talking about your problems & shit.  I also liked it because it talks about when a young woman finally grows up and puts herself first, and learns to put partying and dumbass friends second.  I get that, I been there. I MAY HAVE also been mental with hormones that day!  Maybe... like the day I saw The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds, two of my least favourite Hollywood stars, and cried and got goosebumps and fully immersed in the story, not because it was good but because I was actually feeling like Britney Spears the day she decorated the bonnet of a car with an umbrella.)

So it pleases me greatly to see large tracts of film critics have missed the point of the new Judd Apatow comedy 'Bridesmaids', a rich comedy which, at first, positively reeks of chick flick.

What is a chick flick?

Here are some key ingredients of a chick flick:

1.  Glossy production values.

2.  Mid-range Hollywood stars.  eg., Angelina Jolie doesn't do chick flick; she's top-knotch, she's an Hermes handbag.  Mid-range, say, a Marc by Marc Jacobs clutch, is Katherine Heigl or Isla Fisher, or 15 years ago, Meg Ryan and Andie McDowell.

3.  Handsome but not too handsome, slightly goofy object of desire.  Current Model: Patrick Dempsy.  Slightly Dated Model: Colin Firth.  Old Model:  Hugh Grant.

4.  Predictable plot that centres on a woman's dilemmas, mostly to do with

a). female friendships,

b). a mother or mother figure and

c).  a romance, which will be resolved, but not til the second-last scene, where it will all be stitched up with a kiss, usually shot from a crane on a rainy street.

5.  A happy ending.  Yey!

Bridesmaids contains all of said ingredients.  It even has the word "brides" in the title, which, everyone knows, is the domain of the woman.  And let it be said that the poster art totally makes this look like a comedy for chicks and their homo guy besties.

Wrong, wrong, wrong!

The story centres around Kristen Wiig’s Annie struggling to deal with the impending marriage of her best friend. If Annie were already married and in a great job, the implications of this wedding would be less about loss and jealousy, but poor Annie is stuck in dead-end work and the only romantic entanglement she enjoys is one with Mad Men’s John Hamm.  Naturally, he is a womaniser and a scumbag interested in soulless sport sex and humiliating, horrible honesty.  Their excruciating opening scene sets the tone for the level of pain, embarrassment - and laughs - Annie will go through in the next two hours.

Annie is understandably jealous of her best friend’s accomplishments while her own life seems so crappy, but adding to her sense of devastation and powerlessness is something new; another bridesmaid, Helen (Rose Byrne) who is competing for the affections of the bride. 

This is what I used to think I would look like if I got married:


And this is more what I would probably look like in 2011 and is what I wore to work when we had to talk about the Royal Wedding last month:

Top 5 Reasons I Will Never Get Married

1.       I don’t like asparagus vol-au-vents

2.      Lace curtain dresses don’t match Asian skin

3.      No one ever asks me, assholes!

4.      If gay people don’t have to, why should I?

5.      New Idea haven’t offered me money for the exclusive rights, assholes!

The way this film will work is if people chuck out the notion that this is a film for girls.  It's a film that women will LOVE but men will too, particularly the type of men I adore; men who actually like women.

5 STARS

SUMMARY: A comedy about the pain of not growing up while your best friend does. An anti-Katherine Heigl comedy for smart people and one of the truly great films of 2011

WHO SHOULD SEE IT?  Everyone!  It's awesome!  Take someone you love because you'll leave with a glow and you'll want to talk about it for weeks.

RELEASE DATE: Advance screenings this weekend. Release date 16 June

BLANKIE TIME!

This was Yumi's pick for our show title. Blankie Time and Sloppy Meats. Obviously she was out-voted on both counts. The Cheap Seats it is.

James & Yumi are currently watching The Hangover Part 2. We know there's currently controversy surrounding this film. Australian stunt man Scott McLean who plays Ed Helm's stunt double was seriously injured whilst performing a scene in Thailand. McLean's family are upset the scene was still used in the film after it left the stuntman in a coma with a brain injury. McLean is apparently on the road to recovery and is now walking again. Get well soon Scott!

Although this news has put a dark cloud over the film, here at The Cheap Seats we're striving to keep things fun. If you've read our review of The Hangover Part 2 or seen the film then you know that Zach Galifianakis steals the show. This performance inspires Yumi to share with James her Top 5 Fat Guys she would sleep with. Video coming very soon!

Yumi has also been lucky enough to see Bridesmaids and we'll be sharing her awesome review with you next week.

Don't forget to check out our other videos and reviews and feel free to join in on the conversation here or on our facebook & youtube pages. We wanna know what you think too!

http://www.facebook.com/cheapseatstv
http://www.youtube.com/cheapseatstv
http://www.twitter.com/cheapseatstv

TOP 5: Ways To Dispose A Body

After watching Snowtown together, James & Yumi discuss the Top 5 ways to dispose a body

WOULD YOU RATHER a chin or a ranch?

James tells Yumi about George Lucas' latest plans for Star Wars and also poses an interesting question...

SNOWTOWN

PACK THE CAR KIDS, WE’RE MOVING TO SNOWTOWN

Review by: Yumi

One of my favourite music videos from last year was for the song 'Bell' by The Mess Hall.  It's such an avalanche of juxtaposition for an Aussie band and yet it works.

Watch it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evaQHIcGkkM

It was directed by Justin Kurzel, brother of the band's lead singer, Jed Kurzel. Clearly Justin, who trained at VCA in Melbourne, is a man interested in doing things his own way.  They kind of look like each other - both handsome, Jed in a scraggy way, Justin in a woolly way.

I was excited to hear he was directing a feature (his first) on the Snowtown murders, better known as the 'Bodies in Barrels' case. Snowtown became shorthand in this country for the notorious discovery of eleven human bodies, most of them stored in large plastic barrels in a disused bank vault and at various stages of decomposition.  A couple of the bodies were also buried in a suburban Adelaide backyard and eventually four men were arrested and charged with the murders.  The story made national headlines in 1999.

Some warnings need to be issued about this film:

1.  It has a slow start.  I don't have much of a memory of the Bodies in Barrels case and there were a lot of fragments and snippets that really were mystifying. Kurzel expects the audience to be both patient and smart.

2.  There's no Hollywood payoff and at no point does an Air Supply song start playing while the cast walk to camera in slow motion.

3.   Kangaroos.  KANGAROOS!

4.  It's really rough in patches.

5.  And by rough, I mean, ROUGH GOING.  I left the cinema to pee and my buddy thought I was spewing my guts up

This movie comes out May 19th and I really want everyone I know to go see it so we can form a therapy group and sit around and talk about the film at length at our weekly post-traumatic stress meetings.  One of these sessions is going to centre around the key "Holy shit" moments in the film.  I think there are three.  Maybe four.  One of those "Holy shit" moments involves kangaroos.  If I told you what the others were about, it might wreck the moment when you watch the film or the anticipation might actually cause you to have a heart attack.

Five Other Great "Holy Shit" Moments in Aussie Cinema:

1. Animal Kingdom (2010, David Michod) - when Joel Edgerton gets shot in the stomach while sitting in a parked car, unarmed, by a cop!  You can't shoot HIM!  It's only a third of the way through the movie! And he's handsome!  Holy shit!

2.  Bad Boy Bubby (1993, Rolf de Heer) - Bubby is a 35-year-old boy-man whose never been let out of his home by his controlling mother.  His mother is gross.  She abuses him, belittles him, infantilises him... then has sex with him.  Holy shit!

3.  Mad Max (1979, George Miller) - when that guy's hand gets ripped off his arm!  And is still hanging on to the chain!  Holy shit!

4.  The Square (2008, Nash Edgerton) - the last scene before the movie finishes.  If I describe it, it'll wreck the movie if you haven't seen it.  Needless to say, things don't end well for the main guy who walks away from camera, as stupefied as we are, silently saying "Holy shit".

5.  Chopper (2000, Andrew Dominik) - when Chopper gets stabbed, and he keeps sayin’, "Aw mate, why'd you go and do that for?"  Man that is some funny shit!

Anyway, the entirety of Snowtown, including the “Holy Shit” moments, comes highly recommended by me, but it's gross, and ugly, and frightening and truly one of the unforgettable films of your lifetime.  The soundtrack is by Jed Kurzel and interestingly all the actors are regular folk who came from the low-income areas in South Australia where the action is set.  

The director came in to my day job work for an interview and talked about casting the film.  He hung out in parks and shopping malls, looking for people who had the right look.  And at no point in this amazing film do any of the inexperienced actors hit a bum note.  There's nothing showy, nothing embarrassing.  Just blinding human brutality.

STARS: 4.5 stars!

SUMMARY:  The Snowtown Murders as a chilling art film

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: The strong of stomach, fans of true crime, horror fans, and arthouse movie fans with strong constitutions.  Bogans might like seeing themselves too.  A bit.

RELEASE DATE: 19 May 2011

MARS NEEDS MOMS

LET THE KIDS CHOOSE

Review by: Yumi

Being the mother of two small children I see nearly every kids' movie, sometimes more than once.  My kids are easily pleased.  They like horrible crap.  They liked 'The Spy Next Door,' which was an embarrassing Jackie Chan thing about a single Mum moving into a house next to Jackie Chan, who's, like, a spy and stuff?  In the end the single Mom and Jackie Chan kind of hook up which is sick-making because Jackie Chan doesn't do his own stunts any more and in spite of his millions, can't afford decent hair dye.  

Although they could tell it irritated me, my daughters also quite enjoyed the heap of dogballs that was 'Gnomeo and Juliet'.  It used Shakespeare as a departure point to sail directly into the compost.

The other worst kids' movie of 2011 was 'Hop' (out, damn hop!) (which may be further evidence that Russell Brand's star is on the wane).  He voices a c***sucking little rabbit with a personality bypass who hopefully will get myxomatosis in the sequel.  F***er.  Why does he eventually have to face his responsibilties and/or take ownership of his lifelong dream to be a drummer?  F*** off!  If I was in my car and the 'Hop' rabbit was in the middle of the road, I would totally turn the wheel in the hope of flattening that little cute rabbit into road jerky.   The rabbit is a douchebag.  He can take those drumsticks and ram them up his little hairy f***hole.

We can talk about why those movies blow at length some other time but it can actually be quickly summed up with a Top 5.

Top 5 Reasons Why Kids' Movies That Blow, Blow.

1.  There's a female lead character who is a bit of a suck-up, no sense of humour and way too much hair

2.  Mike Myers is somehow involved

3.  No one dies and there are no zombies

4.  There's a male lead character who's essentially a bore, but also misunderstood by his peers, usually his dad, but he'll figure it all out after overcoming some entirely forseeable and avoidable obstacles that will involve some chasing and some poop gags

5.  The merchandising figurines were designed before the script was written

The shittest kids' movie of all time is 'Racing Stripes' which has a preposterous plot that actually makes me suicidal to think about, about - (prepare the noose) a zebra that thinks it is a horse.  'Racing Stripes' is the benchmark by which my daughters and I measure all other shit kid films.  Remember how Paris Hilton went around tracking down and destroying all DVD copies of her sextape 'One Night in Paris'?  Someone should do the same to 'Racing Stripes'.

Okay, so let's go to the film that I took my kids, Thing 1 and Thing 2, to the other day that I didn't hate.  In fact, I quite liked 'Mars Needs Moms', and at no point during the film did I start tweeting from boredom about pubic hair or etiquette in Japanese restaurants.  (Chopsticks are not pointers and 'seventies bush is back.)

In spite of its inauspicious title, it's good.  You can tell from the opening scenes when a lisping and familiar female voice lends itself to an exhausted and - oh my God - unsexy Mom.  The voice belongs to Joan Cusack who gives her role all the daggy-T-shirt softness and lack of grooming that real motherhood contains.  I don't mind if mothers are always shown as sexy, that's cool...just not very true to life.

Top 5 Smokin' Hot Moms in Kid Movies

1.  Renee Russo in Spy Kids.  Hello? WAY sexy!

2.  Mrs Incredible in The Incredibles.  She has J-Lo's ass and kicks some ass.

3.  Susan Sarandon as James Marsden's evil Mom in Enchanted.  She's hot, he's hot.  Pass me some marshmallows.

4.  Kathleen Turner in Serial Mom.  Okay so it's not a kid's movie but she's total sex in those white knickers in the courtroom scene and how awesome is it when she starts killing all those annoying people?

5.  Helena Bonham Carter as Mrs Bucket in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  Poverty wouldn't be so bad if you could snuggle her every night!

'Mars Needs Moms' is a film that really understands the unending sacrifice that most mothers go through; the stoicism of their love.  If you can stand producer Robert Zemeckis' (A Christmas Carol, 2009) grim and zany vision, and the perfect oddness (or the odd perfectness) of stunted actor Seth Green playing a small boy in a motion-captured performance, the pay-off is worth it.  I cried.  My kids loved it.  But they do love some stinky crap.

STARS: 3 stars

SUMMARY: Martians have evolved so far that they've lost touch with their natural maternal instincts, so they need to kidnap great Moms from Earth in order to clone their nurturing Mommy DNA!

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: Families and animation nerds