THE RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

Time to go a little apeshit

Review by: James

I have two thoughts going into this film. The first: "If this movie is just Freida Pinto in a lab coat doing data entry for 90 minutes, I'm ok with that." I understand that is unlikely. But let’s be honest, she is an incredible looking young woman. I have never been to India, but I imagine that as well as a rich cultural fabric and majestic landscape and history, there are also heaps of babes in Saris. That might be totally unrealistic and completely ill informed, but with a population that huge, by my calculations it would require just 1% of Indian women to be mildly Freida Pinto-esque, and then we are talking about 600 million hotties just wondering the streets of Mumbai, or Delhi or Thiruvananthapuram. And you wanted to go to the Ukraine to find a wife. 

My second thought is “Why? Why are we doing this again?” This is like the 6th attempt at this franchise? I mean how many cracks at Planet of the Apes does Hollywood want? Guys, it’s over.  While the first one is a cult classic, with its frontal lobotomies, dodgy make up and Charlton Heston trying to fuck a monkey,  Tim Burton’s 2001 remake is clunky, uninspired and a massive let down. So you gotta wonder if another version is needed. But that’s never stopped Hollywood before. So lets just put that aside and watch this thing. I mean, why am I even having thoughts before I go into a movie anyway? That usually doesn't happen. Stupid brain. Shut up for a minute will you?

Anyway, as it turns out, Rise of the Planet of the Apes (could you have a more confusing title?) isn’t really a remake at all, its a completely new premise that just sort of borrows the Apes title. James Franco plays a brilliant scientist (already we have to suspend disbelief) who is using chimps to find a cure for Alzheimer’s which has struck down his father (John Lithgow. The man does some real good crazy). After an experiment with the new drug goes haywire, Franco ends up adopting a chimp in order to save its life. He names it “Caesar”, after his favourite salad, and forces it to wear trousers. Things quickly unravel though, as the supposed cure has made his pet chimp smarter than Rainman and as nimble as a 12 year old Chinese gymnast. Being too clever and too powerful for his own good, Caesar finds himself taken to monkey prison, and that, is where shit gets crazy. Caesar, backed into a corner, alone, confused and angry, somehow turns into the Che Guevera of chimps, and orchestrates an uprising against the humans, in order to finally be free. Of trousers.

Or something like that. Freida Pinto is not in it nearly as much as I would have liked, but she’s pleasant as the vet/girlfriend, and makes me even more enthusiastic about my holiday plans to India. Franco is likeable enough, but in the end, the god honest truth is that he is acted off the screen by a monkey. Quite seriously. The real star of the film is the chimp (played by Andy Serkis with the help of Lord of the Rings CGI team WETA). And its here that the movie succeeds, as all the emotional pull that’s required, the tense undercurrent that powers the whole thing, only works if the chimp is believable, which he totally is. Serkis was also “Gollum” in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, so he’s sort of the go to guy if you need someone to play a creepy, needy hominoid. In fact, the entire cast of CGI apes are pretty amazing, proving that WETA Digital is the best thing to come out of New Zealand since Dave Dobbyn.

Although the trailer makes the movie look like some sort of action extravaganza – a battle royale between humanity and a dangerous gang of ‘roid rage apes – it in actual fact is a compelling emotional drama about the struggle for freedom and fighting to find your true self. Apes, despite having the potential to have been a popcorn shitpuddle, is a pleasant surprise. Plus it also features a Gorilla tackling a Helicoptor mid air. And you can’t tell me there is any part of that sentence that isn’t awesome.

3 STARS

SUMMARY: Project X meets Limitless

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: Primate aficionados,  Sci Fi fans.

RELEASE DATE: In cinemas today